Why Spirituality Fails

How to Create a Liberating Approach to Life in a Fake Spiritual World

This Substack publication is named, “Deconstructionology”. Yes, it’s a term I invented. The root word is NOT destruction, which means to annihilate something. Rather, the root is deconstruction, which is to disassemble something into its separate parts in order to understand it more deeply and meaningfully.

The lived human experience is filled with all kinds of tensions, contradictions, nuances, lessons, falsehoods, half-truths and complexities, which may not be apparent on the surface or through the lens through which we most familiarly see the world. Therefore, we deconstruct.

I often use the term “deconstruction” to refer to the process of critically examining one’s religious beliefs and practices, which are often taken as true by faith and tradition, or through childhood indoctrination.

You will often find the term “deconstruction” associated with Algerian-born French philosopher Jacques Derrida, who focused upon the relationship between language and meaning. I explore his work at length in the article, The Parable of the Only Person Alive: One Deconstruction to Rule Them All. Suffice it to say that we tend to have an unquestioned and unwarranted confidence in the idea that words correspond to an objective reality beyond them.

I would encourage anyone who wants to do serious religious deconstruction work to explore the deconstruction of language. Start with the article I mention above. In another article from my psychology of religion series I covered the work of Jacques Lacan, who asserted that the unconscious dimension of our psyche is structured like language - namely that it is dependent upon verbal, visual and auditory symbols to mediate meaning.

In other words, our lives are largely governed by what is contained in our unconscious, and what exists in our unconscious is constructed according to the rules, structures, and symbols of language. What it looks like in your or my head is determined by the meanings we attach to the language that has formed in our unconscious mind.

Which brings me to the term “spirituality”.

“Spirituality” is a noun with 12 letters and 6 syllables. The root is “spiritual”, which most fundamentally means the immaterial. There’s not necessarily agreement on what should be included in realm of the “material” and the “immaterial”. For example, how do you categorize a feeling or consciousness - material or immaterial? It depends on who you ask.

I recently wrote an article on the subject of consciousness: Cracking Consciousness: Is Science Flirting with the Theory of Everything: Or is the “hard problem of consciousness” not that hard after all?

The materialist view is a philosophical belief that all things in the universe are made of matter and that all processes are the result of material interactions. It’s complicated. Light could be considered immaterial because it has no mass. Or take the physical laws of the universe themselves. They have no material existence in themselves and require no conscious observer to operate as they do, and yet physical matter operates predictably according to their existence.

But the terms “spiritual” and “spirituality” typically mean something more than simply what the word “immaterial” implies. In a previous era, the word “religious” meant what we are currently referring to by our use of the word “spiritual”. 19th century American philosopher William James wrote:

“Were one to characterize religion in the broadest and most general terms possible, one might say that it consists of the belief that there is an unseen order, and that our supreme good lies in harmoniously adjusting ourselves thereto.”

The term “spirituality” can take on any number of many different meanings, including:

• The realm of God, the supernatural or “an unseen order”

• An experience or state of transcendence and bliss

• A sense of connection to something greater than oneself

• The dimension in which one knows meaning and love

• Our deepest soul knowledge and wisdom

• The experience of awe, reverence and the sacred

• The goodness, beauty and power of our human nature

• The source of healing, wholeness, well-being and liberation

• Processing and interacting with life on an existential level

Wow! There’s a lot riding on that 12-letter and 6-syllable noun!!

Right now in your unconscious, the language and meanings floating around in your head about “spiritual” and “spirituality” could possibly be liberating you or enslaving you.

Spirituality: The Human Problem

I became a born again Christian in a McDonalds in Blacksburg, Virginia because a friend convinced me that God would transform my life, heal my wounds, and straighten out my life with a purpose. I was 17. I followed this path zealously into theological education, religious ordination, and a megachurch pastor ministerial career. Ultimately, I walked away from it all upon painfully admitting that my Christianity didn’t work. If you’re interested, I tell this story more fully in this article.

Since leaving religion, some 25 years ago, I have explored the spectrum of religious and non-religious spirituality, including:

• Progressive Christianity

• Eastern spirituality

• Western philosophy

• Non-Religious spirituality (SBNR, Humanism and Atheism)

• Self-help culture

In this article I want to discuss how an individual could make a go of all the above options, and still feel disillusioned and mislead. In the process I will deconstruct the common approach to religion and spirituality that gets us into trouble, and explore a different way of exploring spirituality altogether.

In a previous series of articles, The Evolution of Religion, I discuss the role of the religious imagination in the process of human evolution. I have observed that there are several common factors involved in how we as Homo sapiens approach religion and spirituality that are problematic. I’ll mention a few.

1. Consider the Source

“Consider the source” is an expression that typically means to evaluate the reliability of the origin of information. It’s easy to forget that all religion, spirituality and philosophy is a human construction. This isn’t meant to be a criticism. Not is it meant to imply that all religious, spiritual or philosophical beliefs and truths are false. But the reality is that all religion, spirituality and philosophy includes a human component. The universe is estimated to be 14 billion years old, while humans have only existed for a few million years. Was there religion, spirituality or philosophy the first 13 billion years before our existence? No. Why? Because there were no human beings to construct it. To “consider the source” means accepting that all religion, spirituality and philosophy is constructed by the human mind, experience and language, all of which have limitations and none of which are infallible.

There are ways that religion has tried to circumvent this problem. For example, traditional Christianity claims the Bible was essentially dictated by God in an attempt to remove any possibility of human influence or error. This is not too dissimilar from giving Jesus a virgin birth so as not to taint his perfection with too much humanness. To be fair, science commits a similar fallacy whenever it deifies the scientific method as absolute and infallible.

When you set aside all your sacred cows it becomes self-evident that all our religious, spiritual, philosophical and even scientific beliefs, truths and explanations are influenced, shaped and governed by the limitations of those constructing them. Who is that? Us.

2. Wish Fulfillment

In Part Two of my series on the psychology of religion I covered Freud’s psychological insights into religion. In that article I do a deep dive into the role of “wish fulfillment” in religion and spirituality. Human beings infuse wish fulfillment into our religious and spiritual thinking. Religion and spirituality often reflect the ways we want or wish things to be.

Again, this is not a criticism. Of course, we want definitive answers to life’s existential questions, a sense of purpose, control and order in a volatile and fragile world, the possibility of transcending human suffering and hardship, and a paradise of eternal bliss after death. Who wouldn’t want that? I’d be slightly worried if you didn’t. The problem is not wishing these things, but in the way we can turn religion and spirituality into another Prince Charming or Cinderella fairytale in which we are miraculously rescued from distress and blessed by extraordinary fortune.

3. The Need to Be Right

The need to be right is hardwired into our human psyche. From a young age, we are taught that being right is good and is rewarded with praise and good grades. This becomes a mental model that is deeply ingrained and carried into adulthood. Conversely, we are afraid of being wrong because we see it as a failure or a sign of weakness. People often feel that being right is a reflection of their intelligence or worth as a person. Our ego wants to be right.

Wanting to be “right” isn’t a bad thing, and there’s no honor in being “wrong”. But the entire right-wrong construct is problematic when dragged into religion and spirituality. It’s understandable. Right? A person’s personal identity, existential security, life purpose, and way of life is tied to their religious, spiritual or philosophical beliefs. Not something you want to be “wrong” about. I get it.

But let’s be honest here. We can’t all be “right.” The reason there are numerous religions is they represent different and incompatible beliefs. Even within Christianity, there are 45,000 denominations worldwide with varying theological positions. I understand that a person tends to think that their beliefs must be the correct ones, but so do all the other people.

4. Magical Thinking

I recently wrote an article on magical thinking. Closely related is a series of articles I wrote titled, Exposing Pseudo-Spirituality. “Magical thinking” can mean several different things. For my purposes here, I am referring to the idea that there is a special, secret or enlightened truth, formula, practice or experience that catapults a person into happiness and liberation.

For example, within Christianity you sometimes find this kind of magical thinking related to conversion transformation. The idea is if you “accept Jesus as your savior”, “get saved”, or become “born again”, that you will be supernaturally transformed at the deepest level. First off, Jesus never taught this. Secondly, this idea is terribly misleading.

It’s true that a person can have any number of different experiences in life that can be profoundly meaningful, catalytic and life changing. However, the idea that religious conversion miraculously transforms a person is claiming and promising too much. Contrary to some Christian thinking, you can’t pray or Bible-verse yourself into healing and wholeness. I recently wrote about this in the article, Can you Pray Away a Mental Health Condition? Why religion can be bad for your mental health.

Religious conversion doesn’t preclude the necessity of a person doing the necessary work to address psychological dysfunction, unhealed wounds, destructive mindsets and behavior, and mental health issues Nor does it preclude the need for a person to cultivate the necessary tools and skills for healthy and whole living. An aspect of taking responsibility for our lives may include seeking professional help and support without shame.

We have a tendency to think that we are one Eckhart Tolle book, one Buddhist YouTube video, one Zen retreat, one Yoga class, one philosophical understanding, one Theory of Everything (TOE) away from perfect peace and the highest happiness.

The search for the secret sauce of enlightenment and liberation can become a wild goose chase or catching a greased pig. We all want minimal effort and maximum reward. I wrote about this dynamics in length in my article, The 5 Cold Hard Truths of Leaving Religion.

5. Guru Hijacking and Spiritual Spin

People will often say, “My authority is the Bible.” It would be more accurate for them to say, “My authority is what they told me at church the Bible means.” That’s not meant to be overly snarky. It’s just the reality of it. Likewise, you can’t pin Christianity on Jesus or everything referred to as “Buddhism” on the Buddha.

Both Jesus and Buddha discovered truths that stood in opposition to the prominent beliefs and views of their day. They both trusted themselves and their direct personal experience. In the face of resistance, disapproval, rejection, danger and even death, they did not waver. The both lived their truth - owned it, expressed it, demonstrated it... became it.

The point was never to worship Jesus but to turn ourselves into a Jesus; not to worship Buddha but to turn ourselves into a Buddha. This was the meaning of their lives. To turn yourself into a Jesus or a Buddha is to awaken to the nature of reality, to embody truth, to walk in wisdom, to grasp your true nature, to live with deep peace and joy, to open your heart with compassion to the whole world. The problem is that people substituted turning themselves into a Jesus or Buddha, and instead turned them into a religion. A wrote an article about Jesus and Buddha titled, Jesus and Buddha Walk into a Bar: Can you be Christian and Buddhist?

Since time immemorial, human beings have been hijacking, spinning, misapplying and manipulating the life and teachings of religious and spiritual gurus for a variety of purposes and agendas. Likewise, many religious, spiritual and self-help gurus can be known for going off the rails. I previously posted a Note on this topic. The sad truth is that too many people want a magic formula and too many dishonest gurus are willing to supply one.

For at least these five reasons above, a person’s interest in spirituality can become a trap and end in disillusionment.

Why Pop-Spirituality Falls Short

Based upon my own spiritual journey and the work I have done with people over the past 25 years, I have seen the following shortcomings in the cultivation of a spiritual path.

Shortcoming #1: Our “spirituality” is not big or deep enough to offer a meaningful place of hospitality for the totality of the lived human experience, including the shitstorms and the rough-and-tumble realities of real life.

I discuss this in my series on the psychology of religion in my article on the work of “negative psychoanalyst”, Julie Reshe, which addresses the failure of traditional religious, therapeutic and self-help culture to make a meaningful space for the normal volatilities of our inner experience. Traditional Christianity tends to theologically whitewash the complexities, inconsistencies and insoluble aspects of the human condition with unreasonable explanations.

Shortcoming #2: Our “spirituality” is based upon a set of fundamentally flawed premises, which sabotage any effort to know true peace, harmony, and happiness.

Swapping out an old belief-system for a new one may not get you too far if the underlying assumptions are still the same. For example, some people who leave their particular Christian background go through what I call a bad-cop/good-cop swap, which involves giving up the conception of a tyrannical God who condemns people to eternal conscious torment (Hell) in exchange for a loving God who accepts people as they are. However, the fundamental premise that “God” is a separate, supreme, supernatural being still remains. As I’ve written before, there is a downside to traditional Christian theism even if the “God” at the top is a relatively good one. If you want to explore a non-theistic view of God, give this article a read.

Shortcoming #3: Our “spirituality” is too shallow, and we fear digging into the root causes of our personal suffering and shitstorms.

“Spiritual bypassing” is the tendency to use spiritual practices and ideas to sidestep or avoid dealing with unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, or unfinished developmental tasks. American psychotherapist John Welwood came up with the term in 1984 after noting that some people, by resorting to spirituality to avoid difficult or painful emotions or challenges, tended to suppress aspects of their identity and needs and stall their emotional development.

Shortcoming #4: Our “spirituality” fails to show us how to cultivate true self-acceptance, which is the cornerstone of true peace, wholeness, happiness and well-being.

Psychologist Carl Jung wrote, “The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life.” Let’s face it, a lot of religious, therapeutic, spiritual and self-help culture is based on the idea of lack. In some religious circles, teachings such as original sin induce shame, and admitting human powerlessness is considered the hallmark of devotion. Religion insists that at the core we are bad – that something is inherently wrong with us that needs to be fixed and overcome. Brené Brown wrote, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Whether it’s the Law of Attraction, The Four Noble Truths or 12 Rules of Life, if it doesn’t deliver the life of liberation we want, we are told we are doing it wrong and try harder.

Shortcoming #5: Our “spirituality” becomes a hobby, business, persona or social media compulsion, rather than a way of being in life.

I love the study of religion, philosophy, psychology and spirituality as much as anyone, but sometimes one’s “spirituality” can essentially become a never-ending hamster wheel of concepts, beliefs, theories, explanations, methods and systems in the interest of maintaining one’s clout as a public intellectual, social media influencer or spiritual master. Who will be the next Friedrich Nietzsche, Alfred Whitehead, Ken Wilber, Pema Chödrön, Cornel West, Richard Rohr, Rachel Held Evans or John D. Caputo???

Oscar Wilde wrote, “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” Be aware of secondhand spirituality. This is basing your spirituality or beliefs on teachings transmitted by a teacher, influencer or guru. It's a surrogate spirituality that substitutes someone else's teaching, beliefs, experiences for your own critical thinking, direct experience, self-reflection, intuition, and personal investigation.

Of course, we learn from one another and from people of wisdom and insight. No problem. But the question is: How much of your spirituality and beliefs are a result of your direct experience, your critical thinking, your interior reflection and investigation? There is no substitute for this.

A Healthier Spiritual Path

It’s practically trendy these days to talk about “religious deconstruction”. But what about “spiritual reconstruction”? This is but one of many topics I discuss in my series: unChristian: Deconstruction For the Rest of Us (Part One).

In my view, post-religion reconstruction is cultivating existential health and a meaningful spirituality. There are three noteworthy distinctions about the post-religion reconstruction process that should be made:

1. Reconstruction is not merely swapping out an old belief system for a new one. (I don’t want to harp on this, but it seems to be the biggest mistake currently being made.)

2. Reconstruction empowers a person with the freedom to guide their path forward with autonomy. (Deconstruction counselors should not be steering people toward their own preferred belief-system.)

3. Reconstruction results in greater existential health. (Existential health includes living with purpose, relating meaningfully to the givens of human existence, and adopting a rationale for being a person of compassion in the world.)

I want to offer a few reconstruction mindset shifts in terms of pushing back on common themes found in pop-spirituality. Here are a few that come to mind:

Spirituality is not being something more → Spirituality is not about becoming someone else; it is about discovering all that you already are.

Spirituality is not achieving and maintaining a state of being → Life is not always rainbows and ponies, no matter how spiritual you are. Spirituality is not about eliminating the ups and downs of life or our emotions; it is the acceptance of them.

Spirituality is doing more spiritual things → Spirituality is not about cramming new things into your life that seem more “spiritual,” but opening the eyes of your soul to see all of life as meaningful. Spirituality is not so much looking for different things in your life as it is seeing what is already in your life, differently.

Spirituality is not guru driven → There is much spiritual wisdom that spans centuries, which is available to each of us. However, Spirituality is not an attachment to a guru or spiritual teacher/personality. Your “guru” is inside of you, and every experience of life is your teacher.

Spirituality is not a new belief system → Spirituality is not a set of airtight beliefs, concepts, and explanations about transcendent, numinous, or ultimate reality, but the embodiment, manifestation, and expression of the highest truth.

Spirituality is not a substitute for mental health services → Spirituality is not a substitute or replacement for mental health support and services. Instead, Spirituality embraces the journey of becoming a whole person and values the spectrum of avenues that contribute to our physical, mental, and psychological well-being.

I want to offer a few reconstruction tools for cultivating a more authentic, healthy and liberating spirituality. I hope this will be useful as you live into a spirituality that is meaningful for you.

Spirituality Assessment (Part One)

Spend some time reflecting upon the following six questions, which are meant to focus on the “why” behind your interest in spirituality:

• What do I most hope to gain or want from cultivating a personal spirituality?

• How would you envision your life being different if you created the right spirituality for you?

• If you could choose only four words to describe a spirituality that resonates with you, what would they be?

• What fears, doubts, concerns, obstacles, challenges or expectations do you foresee possibly impacting your pursuit of a meaningful spirituality?

• What are three red flags that would cause you to question if the spiritual path you are pursuing is healthy?

• Are there certain givens or non-negotiables you want to include in your spirituality such as belief in God and the supernatural, or the absence of God and the supernatural?

Spirituality Assessment (Part Two)

The second part of the assessment relates more to the “what” of your spirituality. The following 22 questions are prompt for exploring the kinds of experiences, practices, choices, or interests that would be meaningful for you in cultivating an authentic spirituality:

• What makes you come alive?

• What satisfies you most deeply?

• What fills you up?

• What brings you joy?

• What centers you?

• What is a source of delight and pleasure for you?

• What areas, fields, or subjects are you interested in exploring?

• What makes you feel connected to yourself?

• What forms of self-expression are the most gratifying?

• What makes you feel strong and well in your body?

• What would your sense of adventure tell you to do?

• What way of being in the world resonates most deeply with your heart?

• What injustice or suffering in the world lights a fire in your gut to act?

• What would you do if you didn't care what people thought?

• Where does your sense of curiosity take you?

• How are you most compelled to aid the liberation of others?

• Where in life are you inspired to be a tangible expression of love, acceptance, and compassion?

• What nurtures a greater love for yourself and others?

• What is the plain and simple truth that most resonates with your spirit, heart and humanity?

• Where do you need to step out of your comfort zone?

• What would you do if you had no fear?

• What do you know at the center of your being is the highest truth?

A Reality Check

Because religious thinking is so dominant in determining the givens of the existential landscape and human condition, I want to offer a different mindset that doesn’t require the vilification of the human being or necessitate salvation from an external supernatural source. It goes like this:

I was born a human being, with all its upside and downside.

I have the capacity to be an instrument of goodness or destruction in the world.

I am responsible for my actions and their consequences.

My life experiences have wounded me in ways that contribute to the harmful things I do in the world.

I can take responsibility for who I am being in the world by addressing the root causes of my destructive and harmful mindsets and actions.

I am not perfect and never will be, but I can make a determined effort each day to tend to my liberation and wholeness.

I am capable of learning to cultivate loving and caring relationships, and realize this will require my own personal work of healing and growth, and learning new mindsets, skills and tools.

There will be times or situations in life when I will need help and support beyond what I can do for myself, which I will seek without shame and take as a sign of strength and not weakness.

Even on the best days I will stumble and see ways I messed up, but I will offer acceptance, patience and compassion to myself, knowing that self-love and not self-condemnation will aid my growth and wholeness.

I accept that all human beings are in the same boat I'm in, and I will be ready to offer compassion to others in their challenges and struggles to be the best human being they can be.

I have the power and ability to take purposeful and deliberate action to live life well, and I naturally have the ability, capacity, tools and skills to guide and direct my life meaningfully, virtuously, and effectively.

I can cultivate a spirituality that doesn’t require me to be inadequate, powerless, weak, and lacking, but one that empowers me toward strength, courage, vitality, wholeness, and the fulfillment of my highest potentialities and possibilities.

Living a Non-Divisive Spirituality

Some time ago I created five convictions to change our global discourse, sentiments, and actions about the power of religious, spiritual, and philosophical diversity for good.

Those five convictions are:

1. Every person can fully embrace and follow their religious tradition, spiritual interests, or philosophical views without creating division, destruction, hostility, or hatred.

2. Every person can find a rationale and motivation within their religious tradition, spiritual interests, or philosophical views to be an instrument of goodness, peace, love, and compassion in the world, and affirm the inherent, equal, and unconditional worth of every human being.

3. Every person has the right to follow their own inner guidance in choosing their own religious, spiritual, or philosophical views and practices.

4. Every person can participate in a process of personal growth, self-actualization, and fulfillment of one’s highest beliefs and aspirations, and encourage the same for others.

5. Every person benefits when each of us follows our own unique inspiration for building a world that works for everyone.

I recently published the article: The Leaving-Religion Resource Guide: How to deconstruct religion, find existential health, be happy in life, and make the perfect cup of coffee. I did my best to construct a master list of resources for those in the leaving-religion process. The list includes 15 categories in areas of religious deconstruction, existential health, and non-religious spirituality, and I forced myself to choose three resources to recommend for area. It wasn’t easy!

Maybe we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, nor spiritual beings having a human experience. What if we are human beings having a human experience? And what if that human experience includes:

• deep feelings of love and belonging

• peak experiences of touching something beautiful and transcendent

• profound human moments of solidarity and compassion

• circumstances when we are transformed in the crucible of hardship, adversity, tragedy, sorrow and loss

• times when we are awestruck by the gift of life, a magnificent sunset, the mystery of the stars and the infinitude of the universe

• the deep-seated joys we find in loving our children, companionship with a partner, coffee with a friend, or the presence of animals

• those blissful moments of peace and serenity as we drift off to sleep or hear a faint train whistle, that slight breeze across our face or that utterly complete and timeless silence, the quietude of falling snow or the taste of a hot biscuit with honey and butter

What if it’s all of that and more?

In Summary

• “Spirituality” is only a 12-letter and 6-syllable noun, but we managed to make it an unconscious bucket list for perfect peace, happiness and liberation.

• For 13 billion years there was no religion, spirituality or philosophy, and then we arrived and did it but not perfectly and sometimes disastrously.

• Wish fulfillment, magical thinking and the need to be right can turn spirituality into a dumpster fire.

• Pop-spirituality typically isn’t deep enough, honest enough, human enough or durable enough.

• Every person can fully embrace and follow their religious tradition, spiritual interests, or philosophical views without creating division, destruction, hostility, or hatred.

• What do you know at the center of your being is the highest truth?

• A Jesus and Godzilla playset???

“You have to grow from the inside out. None can teach you, none can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul.”

- Swami Vivekananda