Toxic Religitivity

5 Religious Sayings That Are Bad For Your Mental Health

How many times have you heard (or scrolled by) “everything happens for a reason” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” Seems harmless. Sayings such as this are typically meant to be consoling to someone experiencing adversity or hardship. But can words and sentiments like this actually be damaging?

I previously published a three-part series titled, “Exposing Pseudo-Spirituality”. In the series I addressed what I believe to be the dangers of the self-improvement industry and pop-spirituality trends.

The series includes:

• Part One: Is “being present in the moment” overrated?

• Part Two: How much "faith" does spirituality require?

• Part Three: Is there a down side to counting our blessings?

An item that surfaces several times in this series is “toxic positivity”, which is the pressure to only display positive emotions, suppressing any negative emotions, feelings, reactions, or experiences.

Contrary to popular belief, there are no negative emotions. Healthy positivity means making space for both reality and hope. Toxic positivity denies an emotion and forces us to suppress it. When we use toxic positivity, we are telling ourselves and others that this emotion shouldn’t exist, it’s wrong, and if we try just a little bit harder, we can eliminate it entirely. A useful book on the subject is, Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy by Whitney Goodman.

Toxic positivity came up in my article last week titled, Hello Metamodernism! Finding a New Spirituality that Holds Everything. In that piece I discuss the work of Julie Reshe, pioneer of “negative psychoanalysis”, which is an alternative to positively oriented conventional psychology, self-help culture, and therapeutic culture in general.

On a social media post I asked people about “toxic positivity” sayings they have encountered. In reading through them I noticed that many were religious in nature. Like “toxic positivity” there can be “toxic theology”, religious teachings that do psychological harm. This is what promoted me to write this article: “Toxic Religitivity: 5 Religious Sayings That Are Bad For Your Mental Health”.

I have written articles previously about toxic religion and mental health, including:

• Undoing Religious Pathology

• Can you Pray Away a Mental Health Condition? Why religion can be bad for your mental health

• The Leaving-Religion Confessional: Overcoming Religious Guilt and Shame

Toxic Religious Positivity

Toxic religious positivity names the phenomenon that blends the bypassing tendencies of toxic positivity with the dogmatic enforcement of toxic religiosity. It’s the insistence within religious frameworks that believers must always display joy, gratitude, or unwavering faith — even in the face of suffering, injustice, or doubt.

The impact of toxic religious positivity includes:

🚫 Emotional Suppression: Grief, anger, or trauma are labeled as weakness or sin.

🚫 Shame & Guilt: Doubt or sadness becomes moral failure.

🚫 Isolation: Those suffering feel cut off from authentic community support.

🚫 Systemic Blindness: Injustice is minimized or spiritualized away instead of confronted.

I created the below diagram to note the differences between secular and religious toxic positivity:

“Happy Shiny People” is a phrase that’s often used ironically to describe forced cheerfulness or performative positivity — especially in environments where deeper emotions are discouraged. The degree of emotional labor required to sustain positivity in a toxic religious environment is traumatic. It often includes:

⚡ Smile Pressure

Smile pressure is the social, emotional, or spiritual expectation to appear cheerful, grateful, or joyful — even when you’re experiencing pain, grief, doubt, or anger. It’s a form of emotional performance that often shows up in religious, workplace, or family settings where “negative” emotions are seen as weakness, sin, or failure.

⚡ Faith Policing

Faith policing is the act of monitoring, judging, or correcting someone’s spiritual beliefs, emotional expressions, or religious behaviors to enforce conformity with a dominant faith narrative. It often shows up in religious communities where doubt, grief, or deviation from orthodoxy is treated as a threat — not a valid part of the spiritual journey.

⚡ Gratitude Guilt

Gratitude Guilt is the feeling of shame or inadequacy that arises when someone is told they should feel grateful — often in contexts where gratitude is demanded as proof of faith, resilience, or moral worth — but their lived reality is painful, unjust, or unresolved. It’s a subtle but powerful form of emotional and spiritual coercion.

⚡ Sin Shaming

Sin Shaming is the practice of using guilt, fear, or humiliation to control people by labeling their emotions, behaviors, or even doubts as “sinful.” It’s a form of religious toxic positivity and toxic religiosity combined — because it doesn’t just discourage “negative” feelings, it moralizes them, turning natural human experiences into moral failures.

Required emotional labor in toxic religion is the demand to manage and display emotions for the benefit of others or the institution. Believers are expected to smile, rejoice, forgive, be grateful, show faith — regardless of inner reality.

Toxic religion demands performance over authenticity. It requires emotional labor to maintain its image of joy and certainty. Religious leaders expect and monitor emotional displays as proof of faith. Pain, injustice, and doubt are silenced under the guise of “spiritual maturity.” The system thrives on members’ emotional labor, while individuals suffer rupture.

Constant emotional performance drains energy and resilience. Failure to “perform faith” leads to guilt and exclusion. Authentic emotions are buried under religious scripts. Belonging becomes conditional on emotional compliance. This is emotional exploitation

One could breakdown this phenomenon in this way:

Surface: Smiling, grateful, joyful — always “blessed.”

Shadow: Suppressed grief, silenced doubt, spiritual bypassing.

Function: Protects the system by projecting perfection.

Cost: Emotional rupture, relational disconnection, spiritual dissonance.

In post-religion reconstruction, overcoming toxic religious positivity involves recognizing harmful thought patterns, confronting false assumptions, allowing space for lament and doubt, and developing authentic spiritual practices that honor the full range of human emotions. Here are a few key steps:

1. Recognize Harmful Thought Patterns

• Toxic religious positivity often shows up as black-and-white thinking (“good vs. evil,” “faith vs. doubt”) or the belief that sadness, anger, or grief are signs of weak faith.

• Naming these patterns is the first step toward dismantling them.

2. Confront False Assumptions

• Many communities assume believers must always be cheerful. This is not biblical or spiritually healthy — scripture itself contains laments, doubts, and cries of despair.

• Challenge the idea that “negative” emotions are sinful.

3. Allow Space for Lament and Doubt

• Healthy spirituality includes lament, grief, and questioning. These practices validate pain and prevent bypassing.

• Reclaim traditions of lament (like the Psalms) or create new rituals that honor sorrow and rupture.

4. Develop Authentic Spiritual Practices

• Avoid spiritual bypassing — using prayer, meditation, or “positive thinking” to escape pain.

• Instead, integrate practices that connect spirituality with real-world emotions: journaling, somatic rituals, grief circles, or nature-based reflection.

5. Speak Truth in Community

• Toxic positivity thrives in silence. Break the cycle by truth-telling in safe spaces — naming grief, anger, and doubt without shame.

• Encourage communities to hold space for complexity rather than demanding performance.

One of the primary reasons I founded the Center for Non-Religious Spirituality (CNRS) in 2020 was to create a safe space for people to heal and recover from this kind of toxic religious positivity and emotional exploitation, and recover their authentic self and honor the full spectrum of the normal human emotions. One of the human development deficits left behind by high-control religion is delated emotional development, which is when natural emotional growth (learning to feel, express, and regulate emotions) is stunted or distorted.

CNRS offers tools, resources, individual spiritual direction, and support groups to address this. As a token of my appreciation for all paid subscribers ($5 monthly or $50 annually) I extend a free full membership to CNRS, which includes two of my books on religious deconstruction and post-religion reconstruction.

5 Religious Sayings That Are Bad For Your Mental Health

It should be noted that the following religious sayings are typically well-intended, and are based upon a particular religious belief-system. In other words, a person who is a traditional Christian is likely to use the following sayings. Most of these phrases seem to be directed at a person who is encountering difficulty or hardship. This is similar to toxic positivity. For example, “look on the bright side” is often said to someone who is experiencing a problem, crisis, or struggle.

For each saying, I’m going to offer the following:

• When the saying is typically used

• The intention of the saying

• How the saying can do harm

• An alternative response

• A re-frame of the core issue in the phrase

(1) “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

When Used: Typically this saying is used to offer spiritual encouragement to someone when experiencing difficulty or hardship.

Intention: The intention is to offer comfort in the midst of suffering by asserting that God is ultimately in control and monitors/manages human affairs.

Harm Done: This phrase can do harm in at least the following ways:

• The saying implies that God is the one who “gives” human hardships and difficulties to teach a lesson or strengthen one’s faith. There is something demented about the idea that God is both the cause and healer of our pain. I discuss this in more detail in my article, Why won't God stop evil and suffering?

• This mindset can be a source of shame because the implication is that one should be able to “handle” whatever hardship or suffering they are experiencing in life.

• This saying would be quite harmful for a victim of abuse or trauma. God will never give you more than you can handle? Tell that to the people around the world who are victims of oppression, persecution, violence, abuse, and injustice, or people who will not live through this day because of lack of food, water or medical care. Tell that to the 1 million new girls each year who are forced into child prostitution, and the boys banished to child slave labor.

Alternative response:

“I’m sorry for the hardship you are experiencing. I believe you will get through this, and I am here to support you in whatever way I can.”

Reframe:

People often misuse a Bible verse (1 Corinthians 10:13) to justify this saying, which reads:

“No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will never leave you defenseless against life's hardships. Whenever you are tested, know that God has already provided within you the inner resources to withstand and navigate it.”

Another way to think about this verse would be:

1. All human beings are tested, especially in moments of loss, hardship, and suffering.

2. These experiences can deeply wound us and devastate. The lived human experience involves moments and experiences of darkness and despair.

3. But there are always possibilities at our disposal even in our most harrowing times. Possibilities such as choosing to get back up, making it through the next hour and the next day, being patient with yourself, grieving your loss or suffering, seeking or accepting the help and support of others, walking through a process of healing and growth, and opening ourselves to find goodness, hope, joy and beauty in life again.

4. We can allow our tests, trials and tribulations to deepen within us greater compassion, kindness, understanding, wisdom, support and tenderness for others who suffer.

5. We can emerge with a deeper faith - faith in the journey of life, faith in oneself, faith in the human spirit, faith in the beauty, grace and wholeness at the heart of all things.

Our species has acquired a deep psychological reservoir of resolve and resilience as well as a set of tools such as reason, critical thinking, and complex reasoning, in order to survive and thrive when faced with difficulty and hardship. We have learned the value of community and mutual aid, and we can seek professional help and support when needed. Many people cultivate a grounding and empowering spirituality or outlook on life, which enables them to meaningfully cope with the givens of human existence.

Despite all of the above, there are times in life when we can feel or experience overwhelm, despair, deep loneliness, sadness and emotional pain. Sometimes what it means to “handle” hardship is simply making it through the next hour. “Handling” life’s setbacks and heartaches isn’t always pretty. The lived human experience is fragile and volatile. I hope you will never shame yourself for the struggles you are having, even when… perhaps especially when… you feel that you’re not handling it as well as you’d like or according to the expectations of others.

(2) “Everything happens for a reason.”

When Used: This phrase is often used to interject a sense of meaning, peace and calm when something unforeseen or unexpected happens in life.

Intention: The intention is to quell the angst one feels or find a special meaning to help process or cope with the fragility, randomness, absurdity and uncertainty of life.

Harm Done: This phrase can do harm in at least the following ways:

• Obviously, the word “everything” is a problem. Right? What would be the “reason” that would help someone deal with a son or daughter who took their lives? What would be the “reason” to help someone accept that a tornado destroyed their entire neighborhood? What would be the “reason” for a person’s struggle with clinical depression, or the “reason” why one’s fiancé was killed in a car accident on the day of their wedding? Though well-intentioned, implying some intentionality by God or the universe for everything that happens can create unnecessary emotional confusion in a time of heartache, grief or loss.

• The particular “reason” a person attributes to an unexpected life event can be misguided, detrimental, wishful thinking, and even self-destructive. For example, what’s the “reason” for a person getting cancer? I knew someone who was convinced that the “reason” for their cancer was punishment for past wrongs. Pat Robertson believed the “reason” for Hurricane Katrina was “God’s wrath” for people’s sins. See the problem? Who gets to decide the reason for any particular life event or circumstance? Can any of these “reasons” be objectively or reasonably verified?

• This mentality could cause a person to find special meaning in any occurrence when rationally there isn’t. People may use the phrase for post hoc reasoning - connecting the dots after events, interpreting meaning, connection, and purpose where none exist. For example, guy meets girl in the frozen food section in Kroger, which is taken as a divine sign of a match made in heaven.

• People may use the phrase to avoid taking responsibility or planning to accomplish something. For example, maybe one’s marriage failed not because of some special or higher “reason” but simply because one or both partners didn’t do what was necessary to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship. Loss and failure aren’t always a matter of some predetermined prescriptive “reason”, and the answer is much more rational and practical. Sometimes we look for a “reason” to excuse our irresponsibility or negligence.

• People in pain have enough problems without some well-meaning folks trying to short-circuit the grief process by declaring that everything is a good event sent from God.

Alternative Response:

“Trying to make sense of many things that happen in life can be vexing and maddening, but there is always a meaningful path forward in how we respond.”

Reframe:

Consider the possibility that not everything that happens in life is for some special or intended reason. We can become paralyzed by searching for the answer for “why” something happens. We are the ones who give meaning to what happens in our life. Instead of looking for a reason, we can focus on what we can do with what happened to us, and create something of value. We don’t own events or their reasons. We own what we do with them.

People often need to accept the reality of a situation before moving forward. Not all situations have a silver lining or a positive spin. Some things are just really, really hard, and that’s okay.

I hate to be crass but a phrase that makes a whole lot of sense is, “Shit happens.” In other words, there’s not some special “reason” or grand “lesson” intended with everything that unfolds in the lived human experience. Buddhists believe that the the world is characterized by fragility, impermanence, instability, and constant change, and that trying to control life as a strategy for happiness is fool’s gold.

I recently had a little fun with this in the following exchange:

Dear, Jim:

Today something happened for the first time. I got a flat tire while I was driving. I guess I should consider myself fortunate that this is my first flat. But it made me stop and wonder. Is God possibly trying to get my attention through the flat tire? Is it a sign from God?

I've been pushing myself a lot lately. Maybe God is trying to get my attention. I haven't been spending much quiet time with him lately or reading my Bible with any consistency. What are your thoughts, Jim? I'm here on the side of the road at a loss. What does this flat tire mean and how do you think I should respond?

Sincerely,

Flat Tire Tom

*

Dear Flat Tire Tom:

The most common cause of a flat tire is puncturing of the tire by a sharp object. In the United States, approximately 7 tire punctures occur every second, resulting in 220 million flat tires per year. Even the most durable tires wear down and weaken. Not to mention, roads often contain potholes, sharp nails, debris and other objects that can easily puncture a tire and cause a flat.

Statistics show that every driver will experience on average up to 5 flat tires in their lifetime. I've considered and reflected upon all that you said and here's my personal guidance on how to respond to your situation.

1. Turn on your emergency lights. Let other drivers know your car is disabled so they will slow down.

2. Check to see if you have a spare tire and car jack. If you know how to change a tire, go ahead and do it. If not, call for roadside assistance.

3. Upon returning home, try to relax and realize that this happens to every person. According to statistics, it will probably happen to you four more times.

4. The meaning of this ordeal is this: you had a frustrating but common human experience, which had a common human solution. It means nothing more than this.

Tom, I don't think God had anything to do with your flat tire. What first came to your mind was associating the flat tire with your frenetic pace of life. The very fact you thought this may mean it would be a good idea to step back and consider how you're investing your time and energy, and if this represents what truly matters to you in life and how you want to be living.

It seems you are also expressing guilt about your inconsistent commitment to various religious disciplines. Find what nourishes your soul, awakens and empowers the better angels of your nature, and connects you with deep joy and peace. I believe God would be good with all that.

Rather than thinking of God giving you a flat tire, perhaps take it as a meaningful coincidence. Think of your frenzied lifestyle and the flat tire as a falling together in time, a kind of simultaneity. Perhaps not too dissimilar is the idea expressed in the axiom, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Or another way to put it would be to say that every moment and experience of your life is useful for your growth and self-actualization.

Rather than look into the sky, trying to figure out why God is pulling the strings of your circumstances for some mysterious reason, simply respond to situations as they require and pay attention to how any particular experience may be an invitation to experience life more deeply, meaningfully and skillfully.

Enjoy your evening.

Sincerely,

Jim

(3) “They are in a better place.” (“God needed an angel.”)

When Used: This saying is often used to comfort someone who experiencing grief, emotional pain and a deep sense of loss from the death of a loved one.

Intention: In an attempt to console a person in deep grief, the intention of this saying is to alleviate some of their emotional pain by reminding them that their loved one is now in Heaven or some other positive post-death dimension.

Harm Done: This phrase can do harm in at least the following ways:

• Not everyone shares the same views of the afterlife, especially the idea that a person goes to a “better place” after they die. I discuss this in my previous article, Does Heaven Exist?

• “Spiritual bypassing” is a tendency to use spiritual explanations to avoid complex psychological issues. It’s an attempt to effectively deny unpleasant emotions, experiences, and realities in order to feel good and avoid discomfort and painful truths. The phrase “they are in a better place” might be an example of inserting a spiritual explanation (as well-intentioned as it might be) to relieve emotional pain, rather than accepting and honoring the natural feelings of grief and heartache a person feels when a loved one dies. A similar saying, “God needed an angel” is often said with the death involves a child.

• People need space for their emotions and their processing. Pulling people into the land of positivity whether they are ready or not can do harm.

Alternative Response:

“I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. I’m here, if you need me and need to talk, or if there’s anything I can do practically for you.”

Reframe:

The seven stages of grief are a popular model for explaining the many complicated experiences of loss. These seven stages include:

1. Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.

2. Pain and guilt. You may feel that the loss is unbearable and that you’re making other people’s lives harder because of your feelings and needs.

3. Anger and bargaining. You may lash out, telling God or a higher power that you’ll do anything they ask if they’ll only grant you relief from these feelings.

4. Depression. This may be a period of isolation and loneliness during which you process and reflect on the loss.

5. The upward turn. At this point, the stages of grief like anger and pain have died down, and you’re left in a more calm and relaxed state.

6. Reconstruction and working through. You can begin to put pieces of your life back together and carry forward.

7. Acceptance and hope. This is a very gradual acceptance of the new way of life and a feeling of possibility in the future.

Some steps you could take to deal with your own loss, grief and heartache might be:

• Realize that the experience of grief and processing loss is different for everyone. Be compassionate and accepting of yourself.

• Investigate the above 7 stages of grief, and consider where you are and next steps to take.

• Consider seeking out professional support to guide you through your grieving process. There are many counselors that specialize in loss and grief counseling.

A few books on grief to consider:

Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James

Grief Day By Day by Jan Warner

indigo: the color of grief by jonathan_foster

Emotional volatility is normal. Experiencing and grieving loss can include feelings such as: heartache, sorrow, anguish, anger, guilt, regret, loneliness, exhaustion, depression and countless others. It’s okay to feel all of what you feel. There’s not a certain way you’re “supposed” to feel.

Your theology or spirituality won’t spare you of the universal experiences of grieving loss. Yes of course, one’s spirituality can play a central role in one’s grieving and healing process, but it won’t be because it will hand you a get-out-of-grief-free card. One benefit of spirituality in the grieving process is not that it will spare you of the roller coaster ride of difficult and confusing feelings, but will help you accept them without judgement, resistance or attachment.

You can’t brightside loss and grief. You are entitled to your grieving process, whatever that is. There’s no timeline. It doesn’t fit nicely into prescribed stages. But speaking from my personal experience, even though I didn’t believe it or could not see it at the time, healing gradually happened and my loss and grief found its rightful place deep inside that allowed me to fully embrace and live my life ahead of me. When it comes to loss, you never really “get over it”. Rather, it becomes a more whole part of you. Loss leaves a permanent scar that’s both heartbreaking and liberating. Not “liberating” because the loss becomes “okay” but because it makes you more human, more compassionate, more profound, deeper, wiser, empathetic, and beautiful.

(4) “It’s all in God’s plan.” (“When God closes a door, he opens a window.”)

When Used: This phrase is often used to offer encouragement to someone who has experienced a disappointment, setback, misfortune, or adversity.

Intention: The intention with this saying is to bolster hope by asserting the idea that God is always wisely and benevolently monitoring and managing human affairs, even if we can’t see it in the moment.

Harm Done: This phrase can do harm in at least the following ways:

• In my view, traditional Christian theism does a great disservice people and the doctrines of omnipotence and divine providence is a prime instance. We could all name countless examples where this idea (“it’s all in God’s plan”) doesn’t work unless God is uncaring, callous or psychotic. It’s ALL in God’s plan? The Holocaust, genocide, domestic violence, slavery is part of God’s plan??? Or let’s say a person discovers they are unable to conceive children, lose their job, or learns their spouse is having an affair. Is that part of God’s plan?

  I (like all theologians) have ways around this if one is insistent upon making God’s omnipotence and divine providence “work”, but you need a lot of theological Duct tape just to keep it hanging by a thread. And when it doesn’t really work, we insert phrases such as: “God works in mysterious ways” and “His ways are not our ways”. By the way, if you want to read a book that posits a belief in God, untethered from the traditional Christian doctrines of omnipotence and divine providence, read The Death of Omnipotence and Birth of Amipotence by Thomas Jay Oord.

• The closing doors and opening windows saying has the same problems. It’s meant to offer encouragement and hope to a person who encounters setbacks and adversity. The downside of these kinds of saying is that as long as there’s the idea of a “God” pulling the strings, working a plan, closing doors and opening windows, there will always be feelings of betrayal when a person suffers injustice, misfortune, and hardship. The logical questions to be asked are: “Why me?” “Why would God allow this?” “Why won’t God help me?”

Alternative Response:

“Life can be so frustrating. There are so many variables outside our control. How can I help or support you as you process and respond to this situation?”

Reframe:

People often use the phrase, “God is in control.” It’s a way they soothe themselves when the randomness of life seems distressing, cruel and painful. We like the idea of an all-powerful God who has a benevolent plan and is pulling the strings to achieve it.

But consider the possibility that the underlying fear of the randomness of life and having no control, is not true. Life is simply what is happening or what shows up in any given moment. Yes it's true that there is a randomness to this aspect of the lived human experience, of which we don't have ultimate control. No person can fully determine their particular circumstances, conditions and limitations.

Life consists in the facticity of our particular context and situation. However, our experience of life is the result of what we make of it. Life circumstances are the raw materials. What we create out of them is the choice we have in every moment. Life calls the tune, we dance.

Whatever our circumstances, the gift of our freedom is that we can never be fully stripped of the choice to:

• create an empowering context for yourself

• honor your highest truth

• give expression to your true self

• have a breakthrough in transformation

• act according to virtue

• follow the path of wisdom

• see the world through eyes of compassion

• be a person of goodwill

• learn something valuable for your life journey

• choose love

One of the most powerful tools at our disposal is the capacity to be context-creators and meaning-makers. Life shows up to us in people, places and things, but they don't inherently mean anything apart from the interpretation we give them.

At the foundation of who we are there is a constant tug-of-war happening between our facticity and our transcendence - our facticity (the facts that are true about us at any given moment), and out transcendence (the possibilities we have at our disposal). The “facts” could include one’s immediate circumstances, conditioning, limitations, etc. Our transcendence is the range of possibilities at our disposal through action, choice, motivation, determination, reason, wisdom, etc. This tug-of-war never ends because we never become a completed project. In some way we are continually in a process of change. Simultaneously, I am what I am AND I am what I am not yet.

Self-actualization is a core human motivation and a driving life force that ultimately leads to maximizing one’s abilities and potentialities, and determines the path of one’s life. Human history is a witness to how this core energy of self-actualization will not be denied, and the innate tools at out disposal to activate it.

(5) “Let go, and let God.” (“God will make a way.” “Have faith.” “Give it to God. “He knows what to do.”)

When Used: These sayings are often used to bolster a person’s comfort and confidence in making it through a difficult situation or find a resolution to a problem or adversity.

Intention: The idea is that we should not get too far ahead of ourselves in taking matters into our own hands, and instead realize that God is working on our behalf to handle our difficulties and solve our problems.

Harm Done: This phrase can do harm in at least the following ways:

• It’s hard not to miss a passivity in the above sayings - “let go”, “have faith”, “give it to God.” The implication is that “God” is the prime mover to work out life’s problems on our behalf though divine intervention. Let’s be honest. Don’t we all sometimes wish there was a “God” who would miraculously step in and handle life circumstances when we feel over our skis or beat up by life? So to be fair, these sayings are often aimed at people who feel overwhelmed, exhausted or needs help of some kind.

  For example, I often hear of people who are praying for God to “reveal” something to them - an answer, guidance or an understanding they don’t currently have. However, if a person does the following things: listens and trusts their own intuition; uses common sense and reason; applies critical thinking; seeks wise counsel and knowledgeable input; applies vigorous self-reflection about the matter, they are likely to acquire the answer, guidance and understanding they need.

• Seeking, hoping or expecting God’s favor, blessing and intervention in your life to better your circumstances, solve a problem, rescue you out of a situation, or miraculous change your life, can become a case of wishful or magical thinking and cause passivity whereby a person doesn’t take responsibility or action for their lives.

• The premise that human beings are naturally and inherently bad, cannot trust themselves, and desperately dependent upon God as a result of their human inadequacy and weakness, sabotages a person's human agency, self-trust, self-confidence and self-determination, which are necessary for healthy and whole living.

Consciously directing your own life requires personal work and effort. Don't think of the answer, guidance, direction or understanding you need as something that is divinely downloaded from above, but a skill you cultivate within.

Alternative Response:

“I know this is a difficult situation you are faced with. I believe there’s a way through it, and you will find it. How can I help?”

Reframe:

I decided to re-write the above meme, but I don’t think it will fit on that little card. Oh well.

“Good morning, this is me. I will be taking responsibility for my own life today. I will trust the inner resources, skills and tools available to me as a human being to consciously direct my own path, and make choices that are consistent with what matters most to me in life. I will call upon my inner strength to deal with any difficulties, hardships and obstacles that may come my way. I acknowledge my ability and responsibility to actualize my fullest potentialities and possibilities, and to aid others in this same pursuit. That doesn't mean I will necessarily do it alone. I am grateful for the personal encouragement, support and help of my friends and people who care about me. I also know I can turn to people in the helping profession to aid me in situations where what I need is beyond what I can do for myself. I will not be relying on the magical thinking of a sky God who does everything for me. There is a spiritual component to who I am from which I find deep meaning and empowerment, but it does not mean I am incapable of being responsible for my own life or that I'm dependent upon a God up in the sky to stand in for me. I no longer view self-reliance and self-determination as dirty words or the antithesis of what it means to honor the highest truth within myself. So take heart! Believe in yourself and all that you are. You are equipped with a set of capacities such as critical thinking, common sense, problem solving skills, your unique abilities and competencies, and all the courage and resilience of your human spirit. Yes, you have a whole day ahead of you. You know not what this next 24 hours holds. You can do this! And have a great day!”

Rather than “God” being a male sky-deity, beaming down miraculous help from heaven, why can’t “God” be all the elements of my description above? In other words, “God” is not a separate male sky-deity who miraculously gives me what I need, independent of my own action, but “God” is the participatory process of navigating the lived human experience.

A Helpful Positivity

In Toxic Positivity by Whitney Goodman, she outlines a “Helpful Positivity”, which is useful in the realm of religion:

Helpful Positivity

* Recognizes the value of seeing the good and allows people to arrive at their own beneficial conclusions and to take their time getting there.
* Recognizes that humans have a variety of emotions, some more challenging than others, and allows people to see the "good" and "bad" sides of a situation.
* Has an understanding that not all situations have a silver lining and we will still experience joy.
*Encourages emotional expression from others (with boundaries) and from within ourselves, knowing that for some to experience happiness, they often have to process and move through the pain.
* Looks out for and recognizes the highs and lows of a situation.

In Summary

• Toxic positivity has a religious version, which is spiritual bypassing.

• There is not some special “reason” or grand “lesson” intended with everything that unfolds in the lived human experience.

• Sometimes “handling” a hardship is simply making it through the next hour, and that’s okay.

• Contrary to popular belief, there are no negative emotions. Healthy positivity means making space for both reality and hope.

• Experiencing difficult things in one’s life doesn’t mean God sent it or you attracted it.

• Toxic religious positivity names the phenomenon that blends the bypassing tendencies of toxic positivity with the dogmatic enforcement of toxic religiosity.

• The degree of emotional labor required to sustain positivity in a toxic religious environment is traumatic.

• One of the human development deficits left behind by high-control religion is delated emotional development, which is when natural emotional growth (learning to feel, express, and regulate emotions) is stunted or distorted.

• One of the primary reasons I founded the Center for Non-Religious Spirituality (CNRS) in 2020 was to create a safe space for people to heal and recover from this kind of toxic religious positivity and emotional exploitation, and recover their authentic self and honor the full spectrum of the normal human emotions.

• In the United States, approximately 7 tire punctures occur every second, resulting in 220 million flat tires per year.

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
- Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection