Landslide: Surviving a Belief-System Avalanche

When Stevie Nicks is Your Deconstruction Counselor

I've always been a Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac fan. Stevie Nicks joined Fleetwood Mac in 1975, helping the band to become one of the best-selling music acts of all time with over 120 million records sold worldwide. Nicks was named one of the 100 Greatest Songwriters of All Time. She is currently 76 years of age. She is the first woman to have been inducted twice into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: first as a member of Fleetwood Mac in 1998 and then as a solo artist in 2019.

This morning I listened to her song, Landslide. Remember that?

“Landslide” was certified gold in October 2009 for sales of over 500,000 copies in the United States. According to Nielsen Soundscan, “Landslide” sold 2,093,186 copies in the United States as of 2017. ^In 2021, the song was listed at No. 163 on Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.

A portion of the lyrics in “Landslide” reads:

“Well, I've been afraid of changin’

‘Cause I've built my life around you”

That line got me thinking about the leaving-religion and deconstruction process. I imagined the word “you” in the second line as meaning the “God of Religion”.

In other words, the deconstruction process is difficult because many religion-leavers have built their lives around the God of Religion, and walking away from that “God” changes everything. Like a landslide, one’s entire belief system, identity, existential security, way of life, social connections, and significant relationships... come tumbling down. It can be a volatile, destabilizing and overwhelming undertaking.

Another line in the song reads:

“Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

These are great deconstruction questions.

Many people in religion learned a conditional view of “love” - a love based upon one’s obedience, devotion, and performance. It can take time after leaving religion to believe you are worthy and deserving of love in every moment, just the way you are.

The next three questions also apply to the leaving-religion process, and I reframed them:

“Can the child within my heart rise above?”

-> Can the truth I know in my own soul rise above my religious indoctrination?

“Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?”

-> Can I navigate this transformation as my former religious life washes out to sea?

“Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

-> Can I rebuild my life with new meaning, purpose, peace, freedom and well-being?

Every day I work with people who have in fact done the above. They left religion, discovered true love, rose above their religious indoctrination, transformed their sense of self, and cultivated a meaningful, authentic and liberating post-religion spirituality. That's not to say it’s a cakewalk and it’s not something you do alone, but this kind of transformation happens in people’s lives. It's not a one-and-done thing. We are always deconstructing, reconstructing, evolving and becoming.

So, as the song goes...

Maybe climb that mountain and turn around, and see your reflection in those snow-covered hills. Acknowledge to yourself the courage you’ve had to walk away from toxic religion and rebuild your life. Celebrate how far you have come. Be compassionate and kind to yourself. Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live your way into your answers.

For over twenty-five years I have been counseling people in their deconstruction journey out of religion and recovery from religious trauma and harmful religious indoctrination. Toxic religious environments thrive on fear and guilt to keep people in line. Even after leaving religion, many people continue to be plagued with guilt.

Leaving Religion Guilt

What follows are seven things that may happen on your leaving-religion spiritual journey that you don’t need to feel guilty about:

1. Leaving church

On your spiritual journey, you might discontinue your involvement in a church or religious organization. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a condemnation against the church you left, but a choice you make because your involvement no longer relates to or supports your spiritual journey, or may be an obstacle and hindrance to it. On the other hand, if it was a high-control, abusive, toxic church or religious group, you should be applauded for leaving, even though their may be a guilt-hangover as toxic indoctrination residue.

2. Theology fatigue

It's possible you may grow weary of constant theological discussion and debate, the unceasing reframing of the the Bible and Christianity, and the never-ending hamster wheel of new and improved concepts, beliefs, understandings, teachings, etc. At some point it all might start to sound like, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...” You might fall dead to the perpetual quest of figuring “it” out, and wake up one day and say, “Okay, I'm done!” Don't feel bad about this. Jumping off that hamster wheel may be the most liberating step of your spiritual journey.

3. Liking “sinners”

You may find that the very people your religion judged and condemned are the people you find the most interesting and enjoyable. Once you come out from under the judgmental labels, views and stereotypes you learned through religion, you start realizing how much you truly like and enjoy the people you were taught to hate. This is another liberating aspect of shedding religion. For too long you shut yourself off from a lot of beautiful and extraordinary people in this world to enjoy and learn from.

4. Being defiant

You may find and express a rebellious or defiant part of you that has been dormant. Don’t feel bad about this. Too often religion turns people into nice, complaint, repressed, timid, inhibited, mannerly, obedient, fearful, amiable, submissive people. As a side note, I would not use any of these words to describe Jesus. You can be a loving, compassionate, respectful and kind person AND be a rebellious, defiant, passionate, disobedient, subversive, nonconformist, mischievous, self-willed, fully expressed, freethinker, heretic, and free spirit human being.

5. Human satisfaction

You may find less fulfillment in religious things, and more satisfaction in human things. It's okay and good to be human, and to enjoy each moment of your lived human experience. Religion causes many people to create a false division between the “sacred” and the “secular”. There is no such line. All of life is spiritual because each moment contains the raw materials with which we can choose to live life meaningfully. There's no need to defend, theologize, or spiritualize our human experience. Just live it! That is enough. It's okay to be happy, experience delight and pleasure, do what brings us joy, and breathes life into us, whatever those things may be. Live your life fully, deeply, authentically, courageously, compassionately, and spartanly.

6. Abandonment of religious sub-culture

Many people who leave religion, abandon the religious culture they were once steeped in. One person shared with me that they threw away every Christian book they owned, could no longer stomach Christian music or radio, purged their Facebook friend list of Christian zealots, stopped frequenting Christian hang-out spots, and removed every Christian plague on their walls. Don't feel bad about this. It's important that you take the steps and set the boundaries you need for your growth, recovery, and wellbeing.

7. Ceasing daily religious disciplines

The daily “quiet time”, bible reading/study, and prayer are some daily religious disciplines that people checked off each day in an effort to be a devoted religious disciple. It’s not uncommon for a person who leaves religion to cease these daily disciplines. You should not feel guilty about this. For many people, these daily disciplines were a central component of their toxic religious environment. In time, you will discover what pathways and avenues nurture an authentic spirituality for you. In the meantime, don't feel badly about discontinuing the daily religious disciplines checklist. I promise, the sky will not fall and you will not be struck by lightning.

Resources for Help

There is a range of reasons and circumstances that relate to people choosing to leave religion. Some people part ways with their religious background because their religious beliefs change or they no longer find their involvement worthwhile. Other people leave religion because they have been deeply damaged or traumatized in a high-control or toxic religious environment. The leaving-religion process can be volatile, and for some people it becomes an existential crisis (or meaning-crisis) and leads to nihilistic feelings.

My Substack newsletter is partly designed to offer resources to support people in their religious deconstruction process. For example, I recently curated 200+ of my deconstruction articles into a Substack digital book, The Deconstructionology Encyclopedia (Volume One). There’s also my Life After Religion 30-Day Detox Guide, and my book, How to Have a Great Day Without Religion. I gift these three resources as a token of appreciation to my paid subscribers ($5 monthly, $50 annually). Paid subscriber support is what affords me the time an energy to devote to this Substack newsletter and community, but if you cannot afford the $5, I’m willing to comp you a paid subscription so you have access to these particular resources.

Here are a few particular post that you might find useful in the leaving-religion process:

• The 5 Cold Hard Truths of Leaving Religion (existential struggles associated with leaving religion)

• Undoing Religious Pathology (a guide for addressing toxic religious indoctrination)

• The Leaving-Religion Do and Don't List (guardrails for healthy deconstruction)

• Non-Religious Answers to the 10 Greatest Religious Questions (a simple reframe of the worst of Christian theology)

• The Leaving-Religion Resource Guide (comprehensive resource guide for religious deconstruction)

• Why religion can be bad for your mental health (how toxic religion sabotages mental health)

• Toxic Religitivity (exposing toxic religious sub-culture)

• unChristian: Deconstruction for the Rest of Us (series of articles that explores the fundamental principles, dynamics and realities of leaving religion:

Part One - Fundamentals of De/Reconstruction

Part Two - Eastern Philosophy & De/Reconstruction 1

Part Three - Eastern Philosophy & De/Reconstruction 2

Part Four - De/Reconstruction without Supernaturalism

Part Five - Paganism & De/Reconstruction

• 10 Things I Stopped Doing After Leaving (transitioning out of high-control and repressive religious sub-culture)

• The 3-Minute Religious Detox Guide (simple reframe of 22 religious falsehoods)

• The Baby and the Bathwater (what to let go and what to keep after leaving religion)

• The Leaving-Religion Confessional (freeing oneself from religious guilt and shame)

• Exposing Absurd Religious Sayings (refuting the idea that God sends suffering to cause spiritual growth)

• The Bible and Leaving Religion (should you ditch or reframe the Bible in your religious deconstruction)

• Post-Religion Parenting (tips for parents who are raising children and leaving religion)

• Confessions of an Ex-Megapastor (why organized church can be harmful)

5 Ways to Derail Your Deconstruction Process

What follows is essentially a cautionary tale about what could be problematic in one’s leaving religion process. Here are five ways you could unintentionally derail a healthy religious deconstruction process:

1. Make religion-hate your new life purpose

   Of course feelings of betrayal, anger and resentment are a natural, even necessary, part of the deconstruction process. Calling out toxic religion will always be necessary. But don’t get stuck or set up camp in the religion-hate quagmire. Do your personal work, process your wounds and damage, and keep moving forward. The other side of deconstruction is “reconstruction”, which is cultivating a more authentic, meaningful, and liberating post-religion spirituality.

2. Get a new set of gurus

   Many people leave religion and denounce the leaders, personalities and gurus they once followed, only to replace them with a whole new set of progressive, enlightened, non-religious personalities and gurus. There’s nothing wrong with learning and growing from others who resonate with you and your journey. But this is not a substitute for cultivating your own innate spiritual tools and resources. Be careful of putting your non-religious and enlightened teachers on pedestals or let them do your thinking and exploration for you.

3. Expect your former friends to stick with you or at least accept you

   You will lose friends. Your former friend circle was based on a shared belief-system. That belief system is the basis of one’s security, identity, purpose and existential comfort. Once you leave that belief-system, it’s unrealistic to expect those relationships to continue or remain the same. Sure, it would be great if we could all just accept each other the way we are. But even you didn’t do that back when you were that religious person. The deconstruction process will shake-up your relational and social world. You will find new friends. It doesn’t happen all at once. Don’t spin your energy trying to make former friendships work if they don’t. Both people have to be willing participants. It might instead be more productive to make new connections. This is one big reason why I started the online community for The Center for Non-Religious Spirituality.

4. Find a new belief-system

   The goal of the deconstruction process is not to find a new and improved belief-system with a more progressive theology or enlightened beliefs. Some people who leave religion make a new religion out of their non-religion or enlightened spirituality or philosophy. Religious deconstruction or spirituality doesn’t have to be your calling or life hobby. Consider the possibility of exploring entirely different pathways for a meaningful life that don’t necessitate the constant rehashing of this thing people label as “spirituality.”

5. Think of deconstruction as a real thing

   Deconstruction is not a real thing. “Deconstruction” is a word we decided can mean the process of scrutinizing one’s religious tradition and beliefs, and disentangling oneself from toxic religious beliefs, practices or communities. One can even make a religion out of deconstruction by implying there is a set of right steps, stages or guidelines one should follow, and a set of deconstruction experts and coaches we must listen to. Yes of course there is much to learn from the wisdom and experience of others who have been through the process or uniquely knowledgeable about it. But the deconstruction process is different and unique for every person. There is no “right” or one-size-fits-all program. The best advice I can give a person about the deconstruction journey is to focus on rebuilding a new kind of relationship with yourself in areas such ad self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-trust, self-care, self-exploration, self-respect.

In Summary

• I’ve always been moved by the Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac) song, “Landslide”... but it’s a little like “fast Car” by Tracy Chapman… maybe not the songs you want looped on a repeat.

• The deconstruction process is difficult because many religion-leavers have built their lives around the God of Religion.

• The other side of deconstruction is “reconstruction”, which is cultivating a more authentic, meaningful, and liberating post-religion spirituality.

• Be careful of putting your non-religious and enlightened teachers on pedestals or let them do your thinking and exploration for you.

• Thank for subscribing to Deconstructionology. However you subscribe, I appreciate you reading, engaging, connecting, sharing and recommending this newsletter and community.

  “The day before my 16th birthday I got my guitar.”

  - Stevie Nicks