Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater (or should you?)
What to let go and what to keep after leaving religion
In conversations about religious deconstruction, you often hear the admonition, “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” It’s an idiom that means you should be careful not to get rid of something valuable while trying to get rid of something unwanted.
The earliest known record of the phrase is from 1512 in Narrenbeschwörung (Appeal to Fools) by Thomas Murner. The book includes the above picture of a woodcut illustration showing a woman tossing a baby out with waste water.
Some language experts say the idiom comes from the German expression “pour the baby out with the bath”. The phrase’s origin relates to families in the past who would bathe together in the same tub of water, starting with the father, then the mother, then the children, and finally the baby. By the time the baby bathed, the water would be cloudy and murky, so people had to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water.
When it comes to religious deconstruction, this idiom is often used to caution people from discarding too much of their faith in their effort to purify or detoxify it. On the one hand this idiom seems to hold great wisdom. On the other hand, it’s been my experience that the baby-and-bathwater card is often played when a person’s sacred cow is threatened.
The reason this idiom is typically accepted without push-back is because the phrase taken literally is self-evident. What person would ever conclude that it’s a sane, reasonable or moral to toss out a living, breathing, human baby with dirty bath water… unless you were a psychopath. So whenever the phrase is used, it generally is accepted. Of course it would be dumb in any context to “throw the baby out with the bathwater.” Right?
For the purpose of this brief article, I want to suggest something that will require you to set aside the image of tossing a baby out. Using that idiom, one point I want to make in that in fact you might actually 100% want or need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and possibly even the tub with it.
So let’s deconstruct this idiom with respect to religion and God.
What is the baby?
What we are told we must never do is “throw the baby out with the bathwater.” In the picture above it’s obvious which is which, but when it comes to religion and God, it’s not quite so clear.
For a religion-leaver in their deconstruction process, what is the “baby”? In other words, what is the valuable or non-negotiable thing that a person should hold onto, as they let go of aspects of their religious tradition or belief-system that no longer ring true or reasonable, or did harm? Your first clue that this sentiment is problematic is the word “should” - what “should” a person keep, protect or hold onto.
Let’s run through a few options. Is the “baby”…
identifying as a “Christian”
attending a church
deference to the Bible
doctrine of the divinity of Christ
belief in God
In other words, if you left your religious tradition, belief-system or faith community, and you no longer identified as a “Christian”, quit attending church or any religious community, ceased reading the Bible, stopped believing Jesus was divine, and no longer believed in God… would you be guilty of “throwing the baby out with the bathwater”?
What religious practice, belief or doctrine must a person maintain in order to not be guilty of pouring the baby out with the bath? I think you already know the answer. None.
Thinking of that bullet point list above, a person who leaves religion may hold onto all or some of them or or let go of all of them. I can’t say what the “baby” is for you. A person may choose not to do any of the items on the list and this would not be “throwing the baby out with the bathwater” …for them. A person can cultivate a meaningful, liberating, relational and humanitarian spirituality that doesn’t involve being Christian, going to church, reading the Bible, worshipping Jesus, or believing in God.
Putting all this in perspective, Jesus himself didn’t start “Christianity”, never encouraged people to organize themselves into 501(c)(3) churches, condemned bibliolatry, never claimed to be exclusively divine, and denounced the “God” of religion. Jesus became Public Enemy #1 and ultimately killed for “throwing the baby out with the bathwater.” In other words, Jesus refused to condone the sacred cows of the religious and political establishments of his day. When it comes to religion, Jesus was the first heretic.
The only “baby” I ever found in the life and teachings of Jesus is love. Everything else is negotiable, except love. Jesus said in Matthew 22:38-40:
“This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
A person could quite possibly live the remainder of their lives with this one simple guiding principle: At any moment ask yourself, “What does it mean right now for me to be love?” I’m not saying the answer is always easy and it means something different in every situation or circumstance, but at least it’s asking the right question.
The Problem with Freedom
French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote, “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. It is up to you to give life a meaning.”
At first glance, a person may see Sartre’s statement as a real downer and even downright depressing. But that might be because you’re looking at it from just one point of view.
We tend to think very highly of the idea of being free and having freedom. Sartre said this is nonsense and we’re only masking the fact that we are terrified of it. He said the reason why religion is so popular among the masses is because we like to derive our sense of meaning and direction in life through some external source, which we imbue with truth and authority.
That’s why people become so attached to religion - it gives us a sense of security, certainty and identity in the world, and stave off existential angst. The problem with this, according to Sartre, is that we become subservient to whatever external system or authority we become attached to, which prevents our full maturation as human beings.
Sartre identifies what he believes to be the most fundamental truth about the human condition, which is that we are responsible for everything. We are responsible for giving life meaning. We are responsible for all our beliefs and actions in the world. We are responsible for what your life is or isn’t. We are responsible for the condition of our world. We are responsible to solve whatever problems exist in the world.
This is not about denying ways we and others have been victimized or how our lives are impacted by factors outside our control. It’s not victim-shaming, as if all of one’s problems is their fault. Sartre’s point is that there is no authoritative external referent to tell you what to believe or how too live. In other words, there is no “baby” to hold onto. There is not any absolute, verifiable, and definitive answer to what to let go of and what to hold onto in one’s religious deconstruction or life journey. Yes of course, there are plenty of people who want to tell you what the “baby” is or should be, and not too surprisingly it’s the same “baby” they are holding onto. Human beings have a thing for wanting to be right, including what “baby” not to throw out with the bathwater.
Sailing Bathwater
Let me oversimplify this for a moment. Walt Whitman wrote, “Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul.” No one can tell you what the “baby” is in the bathwater. Whitman would say that the “bathwater” is everything that “insults your soul.” Whatever is left, if anything, keep that. The problem here is that most people don’t know their own “soul” or the seat of our deepest knowing or tacit knowledge. Unfortunately, most of us learned to listen to what everyone else expected of us, believing every authority except our own soul.
Too often religion sabotages a person’s self-trust. We are told we are inherently bad (original sin doctrine) with a corrupt internal guidance system (“heart is deceitful”), and we need saved from ourselves (atonement theory). In my view, none of this is true but if this is what you learned, you have a deep mistrust of yourself. You need someone or something else to tell you what is the “baby” and what is the “bathwater”.
In my work as a non-religious spiritual director and my training of other non-religious spiritual directors, the real deconstruction work is not a belief-system swap but addressing significant human development deficits such as a broken relationship with oneself.
Religion presses the issue of a person striving for a better “relationship with God,” but in my view people suffer from an unhealthy relationship with themselves. The problem is not a deficient relationship with a deity in the sky, but a dysfunctional relationship with the person in the mirror. Cultivating a new relationship with yourself could include things life:
Becoming more aware of your self-talk or mental commentary about yourself and your life
Questioning the ideas, beliefs, mindsets, narratives, stories, and ideologies that influence you
Taking responsibility to address the root causes of your inner suffering, unhappiness and disharmony
Outgrowing yourself and the definitions and expectations that have defined you
Discarding the mask, and being a more real, authentic and human person
Honoring what most matters to you about life and your own inner guidance, deep feelings and intuition
Offering yourself acceptance, love, compassion and patience
Choosing not to remain actively connected to toxic people or those who judge, shame, control or bully you
Practicing the self-care that promotes and rejuvenates your vitality, energy, wellness
Inhabiting your uniqueness and expressing it freely and authentically
Consider the following areas in cultivating a vital relationship with yourself:
Self-awareness: taking time to explore your authentic and innermost thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, desires, fears, motivations, patterns and habits.
Self-love: an attitude of high regard for your own welfare and well-being, and choosing to give yourself what promotes them.
Self-acceptance: seeing the totality of yourself without judgment, and feeling satisfaction with oneself, given both the strengths and weaknesses, capabilities and deficiencies, and past successes and mistakes that are common to all human beings.
Self-compassion: extending kindness, gentleness and patience to yourself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or suffering.
Self-care: employing actions and attitudes which contribute to the maintenance of physical, mental, emotional well-being and health, and supports the daily rhythm and routine of one’s life.
Self-trust: listening to and following what your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intuition, convictions, values, judgment, insights, and body is telling you.
Self-confidence: feeling empowered to rise to new challenges, seize opportunities and address difficult situations, and operating within one's own abilities, skills, capacities, and resources to accomplish goals.
Self-actualization: taking steps toward realizing your highest potentialities and possibilities, and fulfillment of one’s sense of mission or purpose in the world.
Self-expression: being comfortable and confident in authentically displaying one’s individuality and style, and expressing your feelings, thoughts or ideas in your own unique way.
The repeated use of the word “self” in the above examples may be cause for concern for some people. We are often conditioned to think that placing emphasis on ourselves is selfish or self-centered. But by thoughtfully reflecting upon these areas, one realizes they would be in a much better position to love and contribute to the lives of others. A strong relationship with oneself is a cornerstone of healthy relationships with others, and is the best preventative measure against living harmfully or recklessly.
In the entrance of offering a guardrail, one of the biggest mistakes people make in religious deconstruction is falling into a trap I can “the either or problem”. When a person leaves religion, they are often met with a litany of false choices. A few include:
Christian God OR No God
Infallible Bible OR Worthless Bible
Evangelical Jesus OR No Jesus
Christianity OR Atheism
These binary options don’t reflect the spectrum of alternatives for how a person might construct a post-religion spirituality that is meaningful for them. I wrote an entire article on this subject that I strongly recommend that you read, titled: The Either/Or Problem with God: The Don't-Get-Duped Plan.
Additionally as you sort out the baby from the bathwater, here are other religious deconstruction articles I’ve written that I encourage you to read:
unChristian: Deconstruction for the rest of us (four-part series)
Non-Religious Answers to the 10 Greatest Religious Questions
By the way, all paid subscribers ($5 monthly or $50 yearly) receive several useful deconstruction tools including: a copy of Life After Religion 30-Day Detox Guide, my unpublished book, How to Have a Great Day Without Religion and exclusive access to my vault of over 185 articles.
Baby and Bathwater Questions
What’s left after leaving religion, deconstructing away the bulk of your theology, and wanting to more forward with a more meaningful, authentic and liberating post-religion spirituality?
I sometimes use the following questions with people in this space. You may find a few of them useful.
What makes you come alive?
What satisfies you most deeply?
What fills you up?
What brings you joy?
What centers you?
What is a source of delight and pleasure for you?
What areas, fields, or subjects are you interested in exploring?
What makes you feel connected to yourself?
What forms of self-expression are the most gratifying?
What would your sense of adventure tell you to do?
What way of being in the world resonates most deeply with your heart?
Where does your sense of curiosity take you?
How are you most compelled to aid the liberation of others?
Where in life are you inspired to be a tangible expression of love, acceptance, and compassion?
What nurtures a greater love for yourself and others?
What in the world makes you angry that you want to do something about?
The answers to these questions may be useful in determining what “spirituality” means for you.
In Summary
We’ve all heard the idiom about the baby and the bathwater, but you might actually 100% want or need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and possibly even the tub with it.
What religious practice, belief or doctrine must a person maintain in order to not be guilty of pouring the baby out with the bath? None.
The only “baby” I ever found in the life and teachings of Jesus is love.
The real deconstruction work is not a belief-system swap but addressing significant human development deficits such as a broken relationship with oneself.
Freedom can be frightening and we might have to unlearn toxic religious conditioning to properly use it.
There are no known cases of someone actually mistakenly throwing out a baby with the bathwater.
Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine.
- Thomas Aquinas
This work is insightful. I am a Catholic Christian and I do not feel threatened by what you had to say, in fact it has helped me put to words (as you have done so eloquently) my own manifesto of what the baby is for me. I read into your work even a previsionary warning about sin, for the things that we choose that harm other people leads to harm for our very own souls and that recognizing what things we choose that causes harm is among the things we should strive to practice.
I also appreciated what you had to say about the self. Religion often reigns so heavily on altruism that the self is lost. Self care while it is a trite buzzword poster child of mental health, it is in fact essential. I thank you for that because I am certain that many of your readers may be burdened or conflicted with shame over choosing themselves if given the opportunity.
Oof. I noticed the deeply wounded child in me felt resistance as I read this. I have much healing to do. Although I left church 25 years ago, and recently acknowledged that I no longer believe that stuff, no longer identify as Christian, I am going through a period of oscillating between grief/despair and rage over 70 years of a screwed up life from being told that my "heart is deceitful and desperately wicked" and there is no good thing in me. (My parents were students at Bob Jones University, my father an ordained minister, so the indoctrination and control was 24/7, and included regular whippings for reinforcement.)