Confessions of an Ex-Megapastor

Behind the Curtain of Organized Church (When Church is bad for your mental health)

Back in the day, I was a pastor at the largest church in North America. Twenty years later I walked away from my ministerial career because I could no longer teach beliefs and doctrines I had come to question. Being burned-out, depressed, lonely and anxiety-ridden didn’t help.

No person taught evangelical theology with the devotion and passion that I did, but one day I realized this did not produce true and lasting change in the lives of others or my own.

Looking back with hindsight, I made at least these mistakes as a pastor:

Putting church over community

Putting orthodoxy over love.

Putting certainty over wonder.

Putting teaching over conversation.

Putting polished over real.

Putting explanations over empathy.

Putting answers over questions.

Putting membership over friendship.

Putting prayer over action.

Putting services over self-care.

Putting style over substance.

Putting appearance over authenticity.

Putting discipleship over therapy.

Putting religiosity over spirituality.

Putting numbers over faces.

Putting holiness over humanity.

Putting accountability over acceptance.

Putting heaven over earth.

Putting meetings over relationships.

Putting reputation over risk.

Putting superiority over humility.

Putting charisma over compassion.

Putting the afterlife over the herelife.

Putting doctrine over reason.

Putting patriarchy over equality.

Putting Christianity over Jesus.

Putting theology over God.

Of course I didn’t realize I was doing these at the time. There were consequences. I have since confessed my sins and made peace with my religious past.

This article is based largely upon my twenty-year ministerial career in what I loosely call “Protestantism”, mainly evangelical, Southern Baptist and non-denominational church culture, as opposed to the Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Anglican and Episcopal church. That’s not to say that there aren’t any similarities, but I want to establish context.

Behind the Curtain of Organized Church

It’s not easy being a pastor, even a lauded one, and if you’ve never been one you can’t fully understand. I pursued vocational ministry, genuinely wanting to help people and make a difference in the world. I know that sounds vague and idealistic, but for a newbie Christian college student who barely survived an abusive childhood with no direction in life, hearing pleas from charismatic religious leaders to come help change the world, landed. Perhaps a more benign radicalization, but a radicalization nonetheless. It worked. I was convinced that ministry was my “calling”. After college, I moved from Tennessee to Chicago to attain the proper theological education and Master of Divinity degree, and I was ready to be a pastor.

But as time and the rigors of being a pastor marched on, I was confronted with a few harsh realities:

• I had no training in organizational development or business administration

• I had never studied human psychology

• I was not a therapist

• I wasn’t prepared for ministry’s mental health challenges

• I was not the savior of the world

I was, however, a charismatic person, visionary leader, Bible expert and gifted speaker. This brought crowds of people through the front door but wasn’t enough to build a healthy and sustainable church. As the numbers grew, I hired more pastors and staff, based upon their servant heart, theological credentials and ministerial experience, but neither were they professionals in business or mental health, which essentially became the “blind leading the blind”.

Keep in mind, this was back in the day before institutional church figured out the necessity of hiring savvy business leaders to help run the church as “Executive Pastors”, and it was determined that having an MBA degree was more important than an MDiv. Additionally, it was a time when creative contemporary worship services were novel and mistakenly viewed as the secret to building a megachurch.

Contrary to church growth seminars, featuring a U2-ish worship band, launching a small groups ministry, amassing an army of unsuspecting childcare volunteers, and offering free Starbucks coffee in the church atrium, only gets you so far. If you’re not skilled in executive leadership, fiscal management, infrastructure development, volunteer recruitment, and personnel supervision, a growing church will swallow a church pastor whole.

There are ten dynamics that often materialize with organized church that are detrimental.

1. Focus on numbers

In the church-culture circles I ran in, “success” was equated with numerical growth. At pastor conferences the question was always, “How big is your church?” No one ever asked about the transformation of people’s lives. Pastors with big churches were treated like celebrities. Pastors of small congregations were considered subpar or failures. Big churches are considered successful because the thought is, “they must be doing something right.” I’m not saying that all large churches are inherently bad. If a church meets the needs of its people, it may very well grow in number. There are also some unique benefits to a large church. On the other hand, some of the largest Christian churches teach a “prosperity gospel”, which appeals to a high number of people. Additionally, some of the largest churches are extreme fundamentalist churches. The point is, you can’t judge a church to be “successful” just because it’s large or a failure if it’s small.

2. Job security

If your livelihood depends on the success of your church as an organization, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that you can be prone to define and reward Christianity as participation in church structures and programs. Christian living is mostly a decentralized reality or way of life, not a centralized or program-dependent phenomenon. This mindset equates church attendance, official membership, tithing, involvement in church programs, and volunteer service as the hallmark of true religious devotion and Christian spirituality… as opposed to, being a person of love, compassion and integrity along the everyday paths of life, cultivating a rich inner life of peace, joy and well-being, taking up the cause of the victimized, marginalized and oppressed, addressing the root causes of one’s chronic unhappiness and disharmony.

3. Need for novelty

Style over substance has consequences. I remember all the church growth conferences I spoke at where religious leaders flooded our church campus in search of the secret for building the next megachurch. Back in my day over thirty years ago, “novelty” was casual attire, contemporary music, multi-media presentations, and drama sketches. Today, it’s message branding, social media presence, web development, and hiring a marketing specialist, creative arts director, special events planner, and social media manager. I’m not saying that incorporating creativity, technology, and a social media strategy are wrong things for a church to do. I’m just saying that even if Pastor Bob makes the evening news because he skydives into the church parking lot to launch a new Sunday service series, doesn’t mean Bob’s church is better.

4. Personality driven

I could name the top five churches in America and most people in Christian sub-culture could name the pastor. The next best thing to being a rock star is being the leader of the latest and greatest growing church. I wrote about this in my article, What if Jesus went undercover boss at Joel Osteen's Church?

I wrote a scathing critique of celebrity church culture in Inner Anarchy:

“More than 8 billion people are on the planet, and about 2.5 billion of them are Christians. Christians claim to have the only-true-God connection and view themselves as the only qualified ones called to minister the truth to save humankind. They believe that privilege is theirs because they are the Bible experts.

There are 41,000 different Christian denominations around the world, and close to 450,000 international missionaries mobilized abroad. The Roman Catholic Church is considered to be the largest financial power on earth. Evangelical Christianity isn’t doing too shabby either. A top Christian televangelist lives in a $10 million house, another one drives a $350,000 Bentley, and several of them make more than $1 million a year. One megachurch meets in a sports stadium, draws close to 50,000 people for a worship service, and has an annual budget that exceeds $90 million. Speaking of budgets, 82 percent of the average church budget is used to cover the expense of buildings and salaries. Considering the number of people, buildings, and dollars, Christendom is quite an impressive empire on planet Earth.

But for what? What has this shiny, lucrative Christian empire actually accomplished? What do we have to show for it? We haven’t made even a dent in the suffering that plagues humankind and our planet. But I’ll give us one thing—you sure have to admire the sheer size of this discordant monstrosity. However, Jesus, as an itinerant with a handful of confused followers, stirred up more revolution in three years than the entire Christian church has done in three centuries.

Organized Christianity has done more to corrupt the message that was its founder’s than any other agency in the world.”

5. Spiritual hierarchy

No matter what is said about “the priesthood of all believers,” the reality of some church culture works against it. We give preference to people with Bible degrees and paid church positions. The pastor(s), staff, leaders, elders, etc... are considered a cut above with God than the rank-and-file church member.

We don’t need 5 gurus and 5,000 followers. We need 5,000 gurus. What I mean by that is, until we understand that it is a level playing field and any one of us are endowed and capable of realizing our fullest spiritual potential by simply listening to the truth and guidance inside ourselves, we are not going to get anywhere. This doesn’t mean we don’t learn from each other, but we have been using the guru-follower model for quite a while and it ultimately doesn’t work. Typically what happens is that we build a religion around the said guru instead of the truth they shared, and then we fight about which guru was right. That system is bankrupt! People like Jesus and Buddha cautioned people not to adopt that model. Jesus never said, make me your guru. He said, learn to walk in step with the Spirit inside you.

6. Doctrine driven

Too often the church makes God about having correct theology. There are a lot of unhappy, broken, hurting, suffering, depressed, lonely people in church with good theology.

It has always seemed odd to me how people are convinced that knowing and experiencing God is grounded in correct theology. What did people do before there was a Bible from which theological propositions could be formulated? Somehow God and humans made due without a well-defined belief system in place. How did that work?

For instance, in the Book of Genesis, a man named Enoch, said to be only a few generations removed from Adam and Eve, is described as a man who “walked with God.” Wait. Huh? No Bible, no doctrines or creeds, no Richard Rohr or Beth Moore, no Max Lucado or Eckhart Tolle. No way! That can’t be right. How can you have a real spiritual life without that???

7. Territorialism

Pastors can be the most territorial people, and it doesn’t lend itself too well to what Jesus was about. Local churches in a community often view one another as competition. It’s a well-known fact that churches most typically increase in number by “transfer growth” - people leaving one church for another. These folks are often called “church-hoppers” (or “bandwagon Christians”) - people who bounce around from church to church, based on personal preferences, but never stay or make a commitment.

Churches can have an unhealthy tribal mentality. It’s as if the goal is how to build “my/our church,” never mind that Jesus’ primary message was about human solidarity and the inclusive love of God. I was sometimes so busy building my/our church-kingdom that it never occurred to me to collaborate with other churches to be an expression of spiritual solidarity and joint action in our city.

8. Patriarchal

It's still a huge and unnecessary mistake to prevent women from full self-expression and leadership in all areas and levels of church life. I published an article on this subject: Religion's Patriarchy Problem.

9. Control oriented

You would think church members, if left to themselves, would be starting Satanic clubs at church if they weren’t kept in line with the policies, procedures and approved books/studies/content of the church.

10. Too narrow

The “homogenous” church growth principle is unfortunate. By focusing on building a church with a strategy of attracting the same kinds of people, we miss the value of diversity.

In my second book, Wide Open Spaces: Beyond Paint-by-Number Christianity, one of the chapters is titled, “Can Church Be Everywhere, All The Time, With Everybody”. As a former megastar pastor, I was shocked to discover it’s not necessary to have buildings and classrooms, staff and programs, or incorporate as a 501c3 organization and have a name, in order to be the church. What constitutes church is relationships - with God, people, life, and the world. For me, "church" is everywhere, all the time, with everybody. The idea that church is a thing you go to is a colossal error. Church is not a noun, it's a verb.

In this chapter, I also include the top ten myths of “Churchianity:”

Church is a place, a location, a building.

Christianity happens in services, classes, meetings, events, and programs.

What people need most is good information about God.

“God’s work” needs organizational or corporate infrastructure.

The more control the better; no telling what people will do if left to themselves.

It’s best you let us decide how to use and distribute your money.

Depend on us for the spiritual formation of your children; we are trained.

The bigger the church, the better.

People are more valuable and spiritual based on their involvement and giving level.

Relationships happen in group meetings.

There are several characteristics of some religious belief systems that can hinder the process of personal growth, human development, and self-actualization. Here are a few to be aware of:

Conversion transformation

The idea that religious conversion is a defining and transformative experience in a person’s life doesn't preclude the necessity of a person doing the personal work to address psychological dysfunction, unhealed wounds, destructive mindsets and behavior, and mental health issues, nor does it preclude the need for a person to cultivate the necessary tools and skills for healthy and whole living.

Divine Intervention

Seeking, hoping or expecting God’s favor, blessing and intervention in your life to better your circumstances, solve a problem, rescue you out of a situation, or miraculous change your life, can become a case of wishful or magical thinking and cause passivity whereby a person doesn’t take responsibility or action for their lives.

Religious façade

The pressure to maintain the appearance of religiosity, spirituality, piety and happiness can mask and disconnect a person from the brokenness, emptiness, numbness, loneliness and suffering within them, and prevent a person from addressing their lives and condition at a deeper level. Meeting-based and surface-level relationships, which sometimes characterize institutional church, can often lack the depth, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability that we need in our relationships to support our growth and transformation.

Human inadequacy

The premise that human beings are naturally and inherently bad, cannot trust themselves, and desperately dependent upon God as a result of their human inadequacy and weakness, sabotages a person's human agency, self-trust, self-confidence and self-determination, which are necessary for healthy and whole living.

Separatist church culture

The separatist mentality of religious subculture can cut people off from connection and relationship with others outside that subculture, which limits the people, relationships and viewpoints that could be contributing to our journey of growth and transformation. Religion can also lead people to believe that the Bible and theology are the only or most important fields of knowledge for cultivating a meaningful spirituality and avenues for exploring matters of ultimate truth and reality, as opposed to other significant areas of inquiry such as philosophy, psychology, the natural and social sciences, history and art.

Co-Dependency

The complexities of toxic church culture is how the pastors on the stage and the people in the seats develop dysfunctional dynamics, sometimes consciously, mostly unknowingly. I’m not saying that all churches or religious leaders are toxic. But where there is unhealthy church culture, it’s often a web of co-dependent relationships. Neither am I intending to victim-blame people who, by no fault of their own, are victimized or traumatized by high-control church environments and abusive religious leaders.

A few examples of the dysfunctional relationships, characteristic of unhealthy church culture include:

• Religious leaders with a savior complex working with people who want to be fixed, saved or rescued.

• Churches that are extremely successful with pastors who are pedestalized by church members who savor being part of a church that’s all the rage.

• Bible teachers who confidently answer all the important questions for people who want an authority to give them all the answers.

• Pastors who perpetuate a guru façade of godly perfection with church members who need to believe such a thing is possible.

I define spiritual abuse as any religious view, belief, practice or relationship that induces fear, shame, guilt, or hatred, or separates people for God, one another, and their true Self. If truth in advertising standards were applied to religion, some churches would be required to display a sign that reads: “Warning: this church could be harmful to your spiritual and psychological health.”

The Clergy Mental Health Crisis

As a pastor I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. So much of the success of our church seemed to depend upon my performance. I felt constantly under pressure and overwhelmed. I valiantly hid my burn-out, stress, loneliness, and depression, even from myself.

The rates of clergy depression and anxiety are double the national average. According to the Clergy Health Initiative, a project of Duke Divinity School in Durham, North Carolina, clergy are among the nation’s most overworked individuals, juggling multiple roles while often raising their own families. The occupation of being a pastor is one of the highest for suicidal ideation.

This hit close to home for me when a Nashville friend of mine, megachurch pastor, Jarrid Wilson, tragically died by suicide in 2019 at only 30 years of age, leaving behind his wife and two sons. Jarrid was not silent about his struggles with depression and thoughts of suicide. In fact, he and his wife founded Anthem of Hope, a faith-centered organization dedicated to those battling brokenness, depression, anxiety, self-harm, addiction and suicide.

According to pastors, there are several reasons why they might not seek professional mental health support:

• financial limitations that make getting help unaffordable

• difficulty in taking time off work

• concerns about confidentiality

• lack of awareness of available mental health services

• fear of reprisal by denominational leaders

• lack of denominational support for the mental health needs of pastors

• feeling shamed by congregational members and peers

• lack of denominational knowledge of the mental health issues affecting clergy

• perceived as dysfunctional among others

• stigma of seeking help as a clergy person

One reason I mention these issues is that I am often hard on religious leaders. I’m not pointing the finger. I was one of them. The world is certainly filled with clergy who do great harm in the name of God. There are also many religious leaders who are men and women of compassion, courage, love, integrity and goodness. Some of them I am connected with on Substack, such as

Nadia Bolz-Weber

,

Rabbi Sandra Lawson

,

Kimberley Debus

and

Free Range Priest

.

I want you to know that it’s difficult being a church pastor. It’s complicated. It’s exhausting. It’s lonely. It’s that saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.

Over the years since leaving the ministry I have been contacted by countless pastors and ex-pastors, including my work with pastors and church leaders through The Clergy Project. The mental health crisis among clergy deserves its own focus and I plan to write an article on this in the future.

Bertrand Russell Becomes Church Consultant

Bertrand Russell was was a British mathematician, philosopher, logician, and public intellectual. He had a considerable influence on several branches of knowledge, including analytic philosophy, philosophy of language, epistemology, and metaphysics. Russell was an Atheist and not a fan of religion.

Yet once, Russell shared attempted to conceive of religion as a positive force in the world when he wrote:

“If a religious view of life and the world is ever to reconquer the thoughts and feelings of free-minded men and women, much that we are accustomed to associate with religion will have to be discarded. The first and greatest change that is required is to establish a morality of initiative, not a morality of submission, a morality of hope rather than fear, of things to be done rather than of things to be left undone. It is not the whole duty of man to slip through the world so as to escape the wrath of God. The world is our world, and it rests with us to make it a heaven or a hell. The power is ours, and the kingdom and the glory would be ours also if we had courage and insight to create them. The religious life that we must seek will not be one of occasional solemnity and superstitious prohibitions, it will not be sad or ascetic, it will concern itself little with rules of conduct. It will be inspired by a vision of what human life may be, and will be happy with the joy of creation, living in a large free world of initiative and hope. It will love mankind, not for what they are to the outward eye, but for what imagination shows that they have it in them to become. It will not readily condemn, but it will give praise to positive achievement rather than negative sinlessness, to the joy of life, the quick affection, the creative insight, by which the world may grow young and beautiful and filled with vigor.”

What if Jesus showed up at church?

There are ten things about the Christian church that I believe Jesus would vehemently dispute if he returned:

1. That his vision for a transformed society, which he called the "kingdom of God", got twisted into an afterlife fantasy about heaven.

2. That a religion was formed to worship his name, instead of a movement to advance his message.

3. That the gospel says his death solved the problem of humankind's separation from God, instead of saying that his life revealed the truth that there is no separation from God.

4. That the religion bearing his name was conceived by the theories and doctrines of Paul, instead of the truth that Jesus lived and demonstrated.

5. That he was said to exclusively be God in the flesh, putting his example out of reach, rather than teaching that we all share in the same spirit that empowered his character and life.

6. That the religion that claims Jesus, teaches that his wisdom and teachings are the only legitimate way to know truth and God.

7. The idea that humankind stands condemned before God and deserving of God's wrath and eternal conscious judgement, requiring the death of Jesus to fix it.

8. That people are waiting on Jesus to return to save the world and end suffering, rather than taking responsibility for saving the world and solving suffering ourselves.

9. That people think there is magical potency in uttering the name of Jesus, rather than accessing our own natural powers and capabilities to effect change.

10. That people have come to associate Jesus with church, theology, politics and power, rather than courage, justice, humanity, beauty and love.

If you have been harmed by religion, this Leaving-Religion Resource Guide may be useful.

In Summary

• Some churches should be required to display a sign that reads: “Warning: this church could be harmful to your spiritual and psychological health.”

• The complexities of toxic church culture is how the pastors on the stage and the people in the seats develop dysfunctional dynamics, sometimes consciously, mostly unknowingly.

• Bertrand Russell and Jesus can agree on one thing - religion and church may need a major overhaul.

• The world is certainly filled with clergy who do great harm in the name of God. There are also many religious leaders who are men and women of compassion, courage, love, integrity and goodness.

• The occupation of being a pastor is one of the highest for suicidal ideation.

• Thanks for subscribing to my Substack and making this possible. If you find what I write and share meaningful, consider becoming a paid subscriber and recommending this publication. Thank you! :)

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
- Garrison Keillor