There are many significant changes that occur when a person leaves religion and begins deconstructing their former religious life. Some of those changes include:
The overhaul of one’s existential beliefs
Rebuilding one’s social network and relational world
Reconstructing a more authentic and liberating spirituality
It’s often the case that a religion-leaving person finds themselves with one foot in their old religious world and one foot in their new post-religion reality. And of course, given the prevalence of Christians and cultural Christianity (at least in the US), most people have to navigate the Christian ethos, regardless of their own personal beliefs.
And this brings me to prayer. In addition to being central to the Christian faith, phrases like “please pray for me” or “I’ll pray for you” are as common as saying “all the best” or “good luck with everything”.
But for someone who has left religion and no longer accepts the theological framework that prayer depends upon, the issue of prayer can be complicated. For example, what if a friend from your former religious group is experiencing a difficult circumstance and asks you, “Will you pray for me?” What do you say?
Here are a few options:
Bad Option: “Sorry, I don’t believe in prayer anymore, and so no, I won’t be praying for you.”
Conciliatory Option: “Yes, of course I’ll pray for you”, knowing that you won’t because you don’t believe in prayer anymore but the “Bad Option” seems harsh and cruel.
Weird Option: “I’ll certainly be sending you lots of love and energy”, which is the best non-religious equivalent to prayer but seems a bit lackluster and convoluted for both of you.
What to do! Is there another option?
Deconstructing Prayer
The most common Greek word translated as “prayer” is προσεύχομαι (proseuchomai), used in various forms approximately 127 times in the New Testament. It essentially has two meanings: “earnest request, entreaty, petition,” and “the practice of communing with God.” In other words, prayer is either considered an interaction with God as communion (“relational prayer”) or a request or petition for oneself (“supplication prayer”), OR prayer is a request or petition made to God on behalf of someone, group of people or some situation (“intercessory prayer”).
Of course some can’t leave well enough alone and expand the idea of prayer further. An example would be the common “five finger prayer hand” and the “ACTS” model:
The Christian concept of prayer assumes the theistic conception of God, an all-powerful supernatural and supreme being who created the universe and humankind, and is managing human history according to a divine plan.
A core idea of Christian theism is that God interacts and relates to human beings through the dynamics of interpersonal relationship. Christians often affirm this with the phrase, “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship.”
The idea of a personal “relationship with God” is based on the premise that God is a human-like entity who relates to people directly and individually through the avenue of interpersonal relationship, which includes elements such as two-way communication, expressions of love and caring, and a mutually satisfying and intimate closeness.
Soundless fairly harmless. However…
Over the years, countless people have shared with me their feelings of failure and shame because they were not able to experience “relationship with God” in ways that were described to them. In my view, telling someone that they can relate and interact with God in the same way as two human beings, is untrue, misleading and damaging.
I cannot, for example, relate or interact with animals, stars, flowers, music, or the sunset in the exact same way I relate or interact with my best friend or spouse. Likewise, it is patently obvious that two human beings interacting and relating, cannot be replicated by one human being interacting with a non-material reality such as God. And yet this idea is prevalent in Christian theism as God is presented as a person-like deity, particularly bolstered by the Bible’s anthropomorphizing of ultimate reality.
People report having all kinds of different religious and spiritual experiences, but it’s a whole other thing to tell people that they “should” be able to relate and interact with God in the same way they would a significant other. It is often conveyed that this is the litmus test for being a true Christian. The super-spiritual Christian is one who has mystical dialogue with God, connects with God on the level of human emotions, routinely interacts with God conversationally, and has experiences of being held, protected and comforted in the arms of God.
People who shed religion often deconstruct their idea of “God” in a way that no longer makes “personal relationship with God” a reasonable proposition. However, it should be noted that even the Bible itself refers to God as “spirit”, and many people do not take the anthropomorphic descriptions of God as literal. The personal experience of God doesn’t require that God actually be a person.
With respect to prayer, the relationship-with-God idea goes as follows:
An individual (or group) communicates their prayer to God through writing, speaking audibly or in silent/inner/mental thoughts.
God hears, reads or otherwise receives and understands the prayer communication.
In response, God acts accordingly by either miraculously influencing the circumstances as requested or chooses not to act based upon reasons we are not privy to.
Christians commonly assert that saying “no” or “not now” are legitimate “answers” to prayer from God, who knows what’s best even if it involves not granting what we request. This would mean that God is daily receiving and responding to two billion, five hundred sixty million prayers from Christians worldwide. And you thought you were busy!
The distinction with “intercessory prayer” is that it involves a request for divine intervention on behalf of others. It’s asking God to act in people’s circumstances in order to provide whatever is necessary to resolve their difficulty or dilemma. Intercessory prayer is often a request for God to intervene in another person’s life in the form of providing healing, guidance, strength, courage, wisdom, change of circumstances, protection, or financial wellbeing.
Intercessory prayer operates within a framework that involves three separate parties and a process, which the above diagram represents:
The intercessor (Transmitting Earth Station) communicates a prayer to God (Uplink)
God (Satellite) answers the prayer (Downlink)
The person being prayed for (Receiving Earth Station) receives God’s answer.
The idea is that the intercessor petitions God, let’s say from their home in Wamego, Kansas. God in turn intervenes accordingly, and the person being prayed for is affected by God’s action. In other words, God is up in Heaven like a divine satellite, and the person in need is wherever they happen to be, let’s say Cranford, New Jersey. The intercessor’s prayer from Wamego goes up and pings the divine satellite in Heaven. In response, the divine satellite turns toward the person in Cranford and miraculously supplies what was requested… or not, depending.
In addition to three separate entities, there are other dynamics that this model implies, including:
The person who is being prayed for is lacking or cut off from what they need or desire, such as peace, freedom, well-being, love, courage, guidance, strength, wisdom, etc.
The answer or resolution to their circumstances or difficulty lies outside of their own ability to act or the possibilities present in the situation itself, and rest solely in God’s hands.
The intercessor’s only available option to influence the situation they are praying about is God’s miraculous intervention.
The value of God, and motive for religious devotion, is God’s power to fortuitously influence life circumstances or offer protection from adversity or misfortune.
In some instances “intercessory prayer” can be magical thinking or encourage a lack of personal responsibility, if the situation involves a person who is not wisely responding to situations as they require, and instead hoping or expecting God to miraculously swoop in and fix it.
In my view, everything we have said so far about prayer I refute, including:
That God is a separate supreme supernatural being
That “relationship with God” works in the same way as human interpersonal relationships
That human beings are inherently sinful and must maintain proper relationship with God though prayers of confession
That there is a God who requires to be worshipped, praised or adored
That the benefit of knowing God is better circumstances
That we fundamentally lack what only God can solely provide for managing our lives
That the causal power to affect change belongs to God and we are powerless without him
For example, there is never a life circumstance in which a person is fully stripped of their choice and power to:
create an empowering context for yourself
honor your highest truth
give expression to your true self
have a breakthrough in transformation
act according to virtue
apply critical thinking
follow the path of wisdom
see the world through eyes of compassion
be a person of goodwill
learn something valuable for your life journey
seek knowledgeable input, guidance or professional support
take tangible steps to address life’s difficulties and struggles
choose love
If life circumstances are the key to happiness and God’s great benefit is being your life manager, you would think this would have worked out for Jesus, the Son of God. Well, it didn’t. If you want a crash course on why peace and happiness are not circumstance-dependent, read Viktor Frankl’s story.
Let me give you another example. I often hear of people praying for God to “reveal” something to them - an answer, guidance or an understanding they don’t currently have. However, if a person does the following things:
listens and trusts their own intuition
uses common sense and reason
applies critical thinking
seeks wise counsel and knowledgeable input
and applies vigorous self-reflection about the matter
… they are likely to acquire the answer, guidance and understanding they need.
Consciously directing your own life requires personal work and effort. Don't think of the answer, guidance, direction or understanding you need as something that is divinely downloaded from above, but a skill you cultivate within.
In this article I am not trying to discredit or dissuade people from the practice of prayer. Every person has the freedom to cultivate their spirituality autonomously and authentically. Neither I am trying to discount the meaningful prayer experiences people have. Who am I to judge a person’s religious or spiritual experiences? The point of this particular article is to address the issue of prayer for a religion-leaver in their deconstruction process, particularly those who no longer subscribe to many of the orthodox Christian doctrines that the Christian practice of prayer requires.
I have written before that classic Christian theism, (which I often call “separation theology”), in my view is the least defensible position with respect to what “God” or ultimate reality is. In fact, it’s my contention (as I’ve written many times previously) that Jesus did not hold this view of God and that the significance of Jesus’ death was in eradicating this notion of “God” altogether. I’ve also pointed out in previous articles, such as my piece on Baruch Spinoza and The Either/Or Problem with God (and others) that there are other ways of conceiving God other than classic Christian theism.
So, one could ask: What does “prayer” look like, untethered from classic Christian theism and separation theology?
Cultivating a Post-Religion Prayer Mindset
Let’s take “intercessory prayer”. The motivation behind intercessory prayer (aiding others in need) has many meaningful applications. My desire for the liberation of all sentient beings and humankind has been growing and intensifying over the years. As I walk and live along the everyday paths of life, I am mindful of wanting to think, do and be that which aids the liberation of all.
I accept that my own way of seeing and being in the world affects the whole, and impacts all humankind. So in this case, “intercessory prayer” for me is accepting that one of my most important spiritual practices is taking responsibility for my own life, addressing the root cause of my own inner disharmony and brokenness, and learning to live skillfully and wisely by responding to the situations of my life as they require.
“Intercessory prayer” for me is also a willingness to involve myself in tangible ways to encourage, support, assist, and help those around me that I see in need, whether the person is my neighbor or someone on the other side of the world. Rather than tell someone “I’ll pray for you,” I consider what it might mean for me to be part of the answer through my own love, compassion, support, assistance, and generosity. For me, sometimes “intercessory prayer” is holding a deep and persistent desire for the liberation of another person, and the end of their suffering.
A post-religious application of the sentiments of intercessory prayer is compassion. Eventually I discovered that the tell-tale sign of true enlightenment is compassion. To be honest, it took me a while to truly understand compassion. I learned that true compassion is not just a knee-jerk emotional response, but springs from the recognition that every person is your brother and sister, that we are inseparable, and all in this together.
At that time the extent of my compassion was transactional and aimed at an object, namely some particular living thing or human being. It was easy to have compassion for people I loved or close to, or those I had positive feelings toward, but not so much for people I did not like, or people that I felt didn't “deserve it” for personal or other reasons.
I deconstructed what I called “compassion”, and learned some unsavory things about myself. I was good at freeze-framing people I didn’t like or had some problem with. If Bob acted like an asshole, I’d label him this way, and that was Bob - Bob-the-asshole who doesn’t deserve positive regard or compassion. That was until I realized that Bob is also 10,000 other things that are not an asshole.
We can choose the one thing we don’t like or have an aversion to in a person, and define them by it. But by doing this, we turn people into objects. Bob sometimes acts like an asshole. So do you. So do I. No person is one thing all the time. Every person is someone different in every moment.
I came to a place in my life where I began to see human beings through eyes of kinship and compassion. As my compassion grew, it shifted from an occasional emotional response to a particular person’s plight, and became more of a way of being in the world. I did not find it difficult to have compassion for those I loved and the people I like. But I had a shift deep within myself in which I understood that there was only one human family, and we all equally shared in the same fundamental nature and ground of being. I realized that if I traced my essence back to its source and did the same for my worst enemy or the person I had learned to despise the most, that I traced myself and the other back to the same place.
In time I began to see every human being as my own son or daughter, brother or sister, father or mother. One day I realized that every human being is me and I am every human being. I carry the whole of humankind within myself and as myself. My sense of compassion became indiscriminate toward others, and I could find a rationale and feelings of compassion for every human being if I let myself.
I cultivated a meaningful daily practice of compassion that involved holding in my heart a genuine wish for the end of suffering and for the well-being, happiness, peace and wholeness of specific people, ranging from family members, friends, neighbors, and even those who have wronged or hurt me. I became mindful of ways I could express my compassion practically and tangibly along the everyday paths of life through my words, actions, caring and understanding, help and assistance.
I realized that true compassion was not just an emotional reaction, but came from a deep recognition that we are all one and belong to one another, and that the journey of life is fundamentally a shared and interdependent experience, not a separate, independent, and isolated one.
Compassion has been a transforming and liberating dynamic in my life. It has enabled me to conquer my judgment, indifference, favoritism, and animosity toward others. I discovered that being a person of compassion in the world brought great joy and happiness, and a meaningful sense of harmony and connection with others. In my view, every worthy theological, philosophical and existential question can be answered if you take the path of compassion deep enough.
Do we do this perfectly? No. Can another person being an asshole trigger animosity in the moment? Yes. Don’t forget that the foundation for compassion begins with extending compassion to yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion may be a useful path for exploring self-compassion more deeply.
We are human beings. We naturally sometimes feel anger and animosity. Let the animosity come, let the animosity go, and return to a place of compassion. I’m not saying that it’s easy to hold compassion for people who have hurt or victimized us. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I understand this. What “compassion” means is different for every person, in each scenario, and in one’s own time and process.
I have found a great freedom in not differentiating or showing impartiality in my compassion for others, based upon my ego-grasping judgments, envies, jealousies, or prejudices.
In the past I have been guilty of harboring throughs such as:
“That person is bad”
“That person annoys me”
“That person’s beliefs are absurd”
“That person is messed up”
“That person offended me”
“That person is an obstacle in my way”
“That person’s political positions are infuriating”
“That person’s personality is repelling”
“That person makes me angry”
“That person does things I disapprove of”
Instead, I have sought to see every human being equally through eyes of loving-kindness and compassion. I have realized that we all equally and fully share the same pure, complete, composed, undisturbed, whole, serene, and limitless nature. No person is a fully separate and self-existing entity that is detached from myself. This is a delusion I’ve given up in realizing that myself and every person are intimately connected, inseparable and one.
I’ve also realized that we all suffer from the same malady - the envy, jealousy, anger, attachment, clinging, ego-grasping, greed, self-preoccupation, unworthiness, resentment, bitterness, deceit, inauthenticity... as a result of denying the truth of what we are. This discovery has strengthened my compassion for others in their suffering, knowing that I suffer for the same reasons as they do.
For me, “intercessory prayer” involves holding in my heart a genuine wish for the happiness and liberation of every person. It’s carrying a deep wish for the cessation of their suffering. I am committed to my own liberation not only for myself but for all human beings. I address the ignorance and delusions and grasping at the root of my own suffering so I can better aid others in their liberation. One of the most liberating aspects of my post-religion spirituality has been cultivating indiscriminate compassion for all people.
Indiscriminate compassion is liberating; it is the manifestation of the absolute state of equanimity. With this kind of compassion there are no distinctions between any living things or human beings; one’s compassion is impartial and equal for all. True compassion is empty of all judgements. For one to simply rest in their true and natural state, means all distinctions and judgements disappear, and our very being abides in loving connectivity with all things. It’s moving from compassion as a singular action directed at a particular object, to knowing ourselves as compassion as our essential nature and fundamental being.
The truth is that there is only infinite compassion, and we limit and qualify it based upon our ignorance of who we really are. The deepest compassion is not a transaction between a subject and an object, it is showing up in every moment AS compassion. It’s our fundamental disposition toward all things, including ourselves.
A useful book for deeply exploring compassion is The Heart of Compassion by Dilgo Khyentse.
Think of yourself today as a person with a thousand arms to reach out with indiscriminate loving compassion upon every person who enters your mind, crosses your path, or is before you. Opening your heart of compassion to the whole world. Let this be your practice of prayer.
In Summary
A person’s religious and spiritual experiences are unique and meaningful for them, but for many people who leave religion their former religious beliefs and practices do not resonate or make sense to them anymore.
The Christian practice of prayer necessitates a theistic conception of God and the notion of “relationship with God”, but God can be meaningfully personal without necessarily being an anthropomorphic being.
You need a satellite in Heaven, and a transmitting and receiving stations in Kansas and New Jersey with uplinks and downlinks to make intercessory prayer work.
Responding to the question “Will you pray for me?” may seem awkward, but being a person of compassion is always the answer.
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“True compassion does not come from wanting to help out those less fortunate than ourselves but from realizing our kinship with all beings.”
- Pema Chodron
When asked to have someone in my prayers, I simply tell them that they are in my thoughts and prayers and it is accepted by them according to their own perception. When someone asks, they are looking for love, not dogma.
I will be interested to see you write about the phenomena of near death experiences, which tend to validate the broad strokes of Christian theology. Please note that I'm not Christian or religious. Just open minded and interested.
https://www.youtube.com/@cominghomechannel
For me at least, there is a meaningful difference between people talking about a heaven they read about in a book, and those who claim to have actually been there. It seems possible that the near death experience field could be a good landing spot for those who have lost interest in organized religion.