I write quite a bit about religious deconstruction, the leaving-religion process, religious trauma dynamics and recovery, post-religion spirituality, and existential health. 25 years ago when I left religion I was on my own, as religious deconstruction was not yet a thing and Religious Trauma Syndrome was not on anyone’s radar. I recently estimated that since then I have invested 40,000 hours professionally working with people in the aforementioned areas, as well as training others to do the same.
The leaving-religion and religious deconstruction process is different and unique for each person. It can be liberating and traumatic, hopeful and volatile, and as the oft-quoted Taoist saying goes, filled with 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. In today’s article, I want to briefly address what I have seen are the five most challenging realities of the leaving-religion process. I refer to them as “cold hard truths” because they are quite destabilizing or rattling, particularly when first faced in the deconstruction process.
Regardless how one might try, every person who walks away from their religious tradition, background or beliefs will ultimately have to face these five realities. I’m going to briefly touch upon these five cold hard truths, and at the end of the article offer a mindset and plan for addressing them as a whole. Keep in mind that despite the volatility of facing these cold hard truths, it’s part of the process that can lead to profound growth, liberation and transformation. Simone de Beauvoir wrote, “I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth - and truth rewarded me.”
5 Cold Hard Truths of Leaving Religion
1. God is dead (as you knew Him)
When I say “God is dead”, I’m referring to a person questioning what they formerly knew as “God” from their religious conditioning or upbringing. I use the male personal pronoun “Him” because most people who leave religion were taught about God in anthropomorphic terms, particularly male.
When leaving religion, it’s inevitable that a person’s previous conception of God will come into question, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in monumental ways, sometimes sooner, sometimes later.
There is a wide spectrum of how people wrestle with the existence and nature of God in their deconstruction process. On one end of the spectrum, it could involve what I call the “bad-God/good-God shift”, which strips God of previously learned toxic traits (authoritarian, condemning, wrathful, punishing, capricious) and reimagining God in more nurturing and life-giving terms (loving, caring, supportive, dependable, relational). On the other end of the spectrum, a person who leaves their faith may conclude that God does not exist at all.
I have pointed out previously in Substack articles that it’s a false choice to pose the God question as: EITHER the “God” of fundamentalist/toxic religion, OR no God at all. This false choice requires one to believe several things that in my view are not true, including:
If there is a “God” it must be the “God” conceived by religion.
The word “God” corresponds directly with an objective reality, elucidated by established and unchanging concepts and doctrines.
One cannot believe in “God” without being a religious person, and all that is implied by being so.
To dig deeper into the matter, it would be useful to investigate the limitations and tenuousness of language itself, particularly as it relates to the word/concept of “God”. I wrote about this previously in an article about the deconstruction of language.
For many people, their deconstruction process first begins with discarding particularly malignant Christian doctrines such as the belief in Hell as eternal conscious torment. A person may also learn a new way of interpreting the Bible in order to reframe troubling Old Testament passages where God seems tyrannical, violent and psychotic.
One’s beliefs about God are typically deeply rooted and the lens through which we see ourselves, others, and the world. Religious narratives, symbols, and traditions give meaning to life and one’s understanding of the universe and human existence. It’s a cold hard fact that the central piece of one’s religious belief system - God - will be on the table during one’s deconstruction process.
Once the deconstruction progress begins, pulling one doctrinal thread can lead to a complete unraveling of one’s entire belief system. Some people, like myself, are the types who will just keep deconstructing reality down to the studs, which can devolve into a black hold of nihilism.
Which leads me to the second cold hard truth of leaving religion.
2. Life is meaningless (except the meaning you give it)
Religion has an answer for virtually every significant existential question, including:
Where did we come from?
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of life?
What happens after death?
What is the self?
Is life predetermined or do we have free will?
What is the nature of reality?
Why is there evil and suffering in the world?
Are there moral and ethical imperatives in life?
What is the relationship between humans and the universe?
How do we find purpose and fulfillment?
By the way, I previously published an article titled, One-Sentence Answers to Life's Greatest 11 Questions: Is Overthinking Existence our Biggest Problem?
When a person leaves religion, questions their belief in God, or loses faith in religion’s answers to life’s fundamental questions, it can be a volatile and destabilizing reality. I addressed the question of a post-religious view of the meaning of life in two previous articles: Life is Absurd: And that's the good news, and a subsequent article on existential philosopher, Albert Camus. A few books about exploring post-religion thoughts on the meaning of life are:
Edward O. Wilson’s book, The Meaning of Human Existence
Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning
- ’s book The Evolution of Meaning
The Art of Living a Meaningless Existence: Ideas from Philosophy That Change the Way You Think by Robert Pantano
No Nonsense Spirituality: All the Tools No Belief Required by Brittney Hartley
Wendy Syfret’s The Sunny Nihilist: A Declaration of the Pleasure of Pointlessness
The idea that life is meaningless or void of absolute meaning is vexing to many people. They assume that the only alternative is that life must be random, absurd and pointless. In philosophy, “the Absurd” refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek inherent value and meaning in life and the human inability to find any. Hence, “Absurdism” is a philosophical school of thought stating that the efforts of humanity to find inherent meaning will ultimately fail.
The problem here is not that life has no meaning; it’s that the meaning of life is not something you “find.” “Finding meaning” is an empty proposition. We are not here to find meaning, we are just here. While here, we make meaning through our mindsets, actions and choices.
Consider the possibility that the meaningless of life is not a curse but an invitation. It’s not a matter of searching for meaning, but creating it. Human beings are not born into a world of inherent meaning, we are born into the world as meaning makers. The lived human experience provides the raw materials for meaningful living. The question of the meaning of life is not one of philosophy or religion. It’s always a question of what’s in front of you right now, and what you make of it.
3. Absence of absolutes (but several certainties)
Consider all the things a person would feel are absolutely true as a result of their belief in God. For example, their answers to all the existential questions listed in the previous point. It’s comforting to wake up each day in a world that is founded upon a set of absolutes you can base your life upon. But many people who go deep into their deconstruction process can arrive at the troubling idea that there are no absolutes. The absence of absolutes means there is no objective truth, but only truth that is constructed by society. In other words, there are no universal truths that are independent of other factors or contexts. All “truths” are dependent, conditional and subjective.
As a caveat, not all truths have to be “absolute” to be useful and significant. For example, let’s take the first point about belief in “God”. Most people would agree that no single belief-system about God is the sole, entire and absolute truth, yet one’s particular belief about God can be deeply meaningful and inspire great love and compassion.
But imagine being invited over to a friend’s house for a party and you are coaxed into joining a game of cards. Your friend announces he wants to teach everyone a new card game. So seven cards are dealt out to each player, and the remaining cards are stacked in the middle with one card turned over. So your friend explains how the game works. He says that how the game works is that everyone makes up the rules as you go along. When it’s our turn, you make up a new rule. You’d be like, “What?!?!?! What kind of crazy card game is that?!” That would be utter chaos, right?
Now imagine the person who feels like their lives are based upon a set of absolutes that affords them the psychological stability, resilience and optimism for the rigors of human existence. Then one day they wake up to discover that there actually aren’t any absolute truths or rules, no authoritative or objective existential referents, no universal metanarrative for giving order, value and meaning to the game of human existence. It’s a game where everyone is making up the rules as they go along. That might feel absurd, right?
The fact that there may be no absolute truths doesn’t mean there aren’t several certainties one can base their life upon in order to experience deep meaning, peace, wholeness and well-being. Consider the possibility that the most significant things you need to know in order to live life meaningfully, you already know. It is not a mystery or cloaked in uncertainty. For example:
There is no uncertainty or mystery to the meaning or purpose of life. You are the meaning and purpose maker.
There is no uncertainty or mystery to how you should live each day. Determine what matters most to you in life, and live this.
There is not uncertainty or mystery to how to best live together in the world. Love, integrity, virtue, compassion, wisdom, solidarity and courage are necessities.
There is no uncertainty or mystery to non-material or ultimate reality. Ultimate reality is the fabric, essence and ground of all being, and we are free to explore this in ways that are deeply personal, meaningful and liberating to each of us.
There is no uncertainty or mystery to death and the afterlife. Each of us will die a bodily death and the essential essence of what we are will continue in some form.
There is no uncertainty or mystery to the universe. There is what we know and what we do not yet know about the universe. As science continues to explore the universe, we are given countless opportunities to know, learn, and celebrate its beauty, marvels, intricacies and wonders.
At risk of oversimplifying this discussion, that iconic Beatles’ song, “All You Need is Love”, is worth consideration. Søren Kierkegaard wrote, “When one has once fully entered the realm of love, the world — no matter how imperfect — becomes rich and beautiful, it consists solely of opportunities for love.” I sat down one day and wrote out some of the ways I have come to understand the significance of love:
The greatest single need and desire of humankind is love.
Every person is worthy of receiving love.
There is never a moment when you cannot love.
The greatest power we possess is the power to love.
Every thought, word, act and expression motivated by love, matters.
Freedom is always being able to choose love.
Love is the highest expression and fulfillment of any true philosophy, religion, and spirituality.
Our deepest personal work is to remove the barriers we have build inside ourselves against love.
There is no higher calling than being love.
Love - giving it or receiving it - is transformational.
The cornerstone of wholeness is loving yourself.
If we are ever confused about what to do, stop and ask: "What would love do?"
The world is not too far gone to be transformed by love.
The most profound religious statement is, “God is Love.”
Sometimes we are forever searching for answers to questions to which we are the only answer.
4. Futility of faith (utility of critical thinking)
I forced myself to identify the five cold hard truths in three-word sentences because I am weird like that. This particular one could possibly be better said as “futility of blind faith” but that would be four words. The point is, in the deconstruction process a person is confronted with the reality that they cannot blindly trust any external source for truth.
Of course as children it is natural to trust what we are told by our parents. As we grow a little older, we put our trust in teachers and what we are taught in school. If a person began attending church in childhood, they likely trusted the church pastor and Sunday School teachers. As adults, we place our faith in people deemed as experts - legal, medical, financial, political, scientific, technological, self-help, health, and spiritual experts. A good dose of Michel Foucault will likely change your thinking on this idea of the “experts”.
One of the cold hard truths of the leaving-religion process is that you can no longer trust everything you’re told, even by the “experts”, and you cannot let others do your thinking for you. It can be an overwhelming realization that you alone are responsible for evaluating and determining what information, knowledge, ideas, views, wisdom, scholarship, wisdom, people… that will influence, shape and guide your life.
That’s not to say we don’t consult the thinking, experience, knowledge and expertise of others. Rather, it’s realizing the necessity of cultivating and applying critical thinking, self-reflection, direct experience, personal intuition, and active learning to the process.
Many people leave religion and denounce the leaders, personalities and gurus they once followed, only to replace them with a whole new set of progressive, enlightened, non-religious personalities, gurus and deconstruction experts.
There’s nothing wrong with learning and growing from others who resonate with you and your journey. But this is not a substitute for cultivating your own innate spiritual tools and resources. Be careful of putting your non-religious and enlightened teachers on pedestals or let them do your thinking and exploration for you.
Sometimes when a person leaves religion, they can easily become enamored with the people who represent a new set of spiritual ideas and beliefs. In other words, we once handed over the reins to the church pastor or Christian theologian, we leave it all behind, and then we hand over the reins to the progressive or non-religious leader/thinker/author/influencer.
What gets lost in all this is a person learning to access truth and cultivate an authentic spirituality from within themselves, and by using their innate abilities and tools to guide their own spiritual path.
Be aware of secondhand spirituality. This is basing your spirituality or beliefs on teachings transmitted by a teacher, influencer or guru. It’s a surrogate spirituality that substitutes someone else's teaching, beliefs, experiences for your own critical thinking, direct experience, self-reflection, intuition, and personal investigation.
5. No ultimate enlightenment (when Holy Grails fail)
You get that cartoon, right? I also have a picture for you.
You get that picture, right?
We’re all trying so hard to do what all the religious leaders, spiritual gurus, and self-help influencers tell us we must do to attain the life and well-being we want. When I step back from it all, I start wondering things like:
Is it that difficult, complicated, and mysterious to cultivate the kind of meaningful and fulfilling life we desire?
What did people do before the self-help/improvement industry, social media influences, and the commodification of spirituality? Was everyone miserable and unhappy?
Is common sense, critical thinking, and self-reflection enough to cultivate a whole and happy life?
Could the proliferation of religious, spiritual and self-help formulas be doing more harm than good?
Do we incessantly have to be changing, improving and transforming ourselves?
Does life have to be a constant stream of guru/expert/influencer concepts and theories that the rest of us just can’t ever get right?
One of the cold hard truths in the religious deconstruction process is discovering that there is no absolute “it” to uncover, no ultimate enlightenment to achieve, no profound teaching or spiritual secret to save or liberate you.
In fact, the Buddha’s so-called moment of “enlightenment” under the Bodhi tree was the realization that nothing fundamentally needed to change in order to know peace, serenity and freedom. In other words, there is nothing wrong with the way things truly are at its most real/fundamental level, and therefore there is nothing truly/factually/objectively preventing peace, serenity and freedom. Furthermore, the Buddha saw that people are the cause of their own inner suffering or psychic pain, which ultimately results in the hurt we inflict upon one another and destruction we cause in the world.
Sometimes I feel like the whole concept of “spirituality” is poisoned by a chronic dissatisfaction and we are perpetually pursuing something higher, deeper, and better. It’s like we are chasing ghosts of bliss, an imaginary nirvana, phantom promised land, the Holy Grail of ultimate truth.
Consider the possibility that the meaning of life is not a existential secret you discover in a moment of enlightenment; it’s what you choose to make of your next moment by how you live. Maybe spirituality is not about becoming someone else, but about discovering all that you already are. Life is not always rainbows and ponies, no matter how spiritual you are. Perhaps spirituality is not about eliminating the ups and downs of life but learning to accept them.
Consider that spirituality may not be about cramming new things into your life that are characterized as “spiritual,” but opening the eyes of your deepest self to see all of life as meaningful. Maybe spirituality is not so much looking for different things to appear in your life as much as it is seeing what is already in your life, differently. There is much spiritual wisdom that spans centuries, which is available to each of us. However, Spirituality is not an attachment to a guru or spiritual teacher/personality. Your “guru” is inside of you, and every experience of life is your teacher.
Spirituality is not a set of airtight beliefs, concepts, and explanations about transcendent, numinous, or ultimate reality, but the embodiment, manifestation, and expression of the highest truth. Spirituality is not a substitute or replacement for mental health support and services. Instead, Spirituality embraces the journey of becoming a whole person and values the spectrum of avenues that contribute to our physical, mental, and psychological well-being.
Metabolizing Deconstruction’s Cold Hard Truths
The word “metabolize” typically means to change (food) into a form that can be used by your body. With respect to our discussion, I want us to think of “metabolize” as converting the five cold hard truths into useful mindsets and tools for our continuing and evolving spiritual journey.
God is dead → Discovering the limitations and detriments of my previous conception of God, I am now free to explore new possibilities as it relates transcendent, ultimate or metaphysical reality.
Life is meaningless → Without the constraint of a universal and authoritative meaning I must find, rightfully decipher and be judged by, I am free to discover what it means for me to live life meaningfully.
Absence of absolutes → Realizing that all truth propositions are conditional, subjective, relative and dependent, I am free to build my life around the indisputable and self-evident truths that ring true.
Futility of faith → Knowing I can no longer trust others to do my thinking for me, I am free to cultivate the skills and tools of a critical, free, knowledgeable and independent thinker.
No ultimate enlightenment → Giving up the hamster wheel of perpetually seeking a Holy Grail, I am free to cultivate my own authentic, liberating, transcendent, profound, and human spirituality.
In Summary
The leaving-religion process is volatile because you are faced with existential realities that can be troubling and destabilizing.
It may be that no truth is absolute, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be absolutely certain about what matters most in life.
Sometimes we are searching for answers to questions to which we are the only answer.
Love is the highest expression and fulfillment of any true philosophy, religion, and spirituality.
Once we give up hunting Holy Grails, we find that life is beautiful with both the 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows.
Buddha was “enlightened” not because he discovered the secret, but because he realized there wasn’t one.
“Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. And between the two my life flows.”
- Nisargadatta Maharaj
Absolutely beautiful and spot on. Personally, it was my own mother's death in 2022, and my presentation of a memorial service tribute to bring a scientific perspective to death in a gentle and loving, but realistic manner, that severed the final cords of my quiet but very powerful Catholic religious upbringing.
To add to your point regarding our deaths, I highly recommend this memorial by physicist Aaron Freeman, "The Physics of Death" (link below).
While our physical bodies composed of biological sensors and a chemical memory system which provides us with the ability to process our "existence", all of that is really just encoded by chemical signatures imprinted in the neurons of our brains which will all decompose upon our deaths. But our essential energy (not to be confused with our "consciousness") existed before the Big Bang and will continue until the end of all things, if ever.
https://futurism.com/the-science-of-death-a-eulogy-from-a-physicist
I am grateful to have found this article. I have been on the path religious deconstruction for a long time but felt that I was alone. I'm glad to know that it is a "thing." The beginning for me was to finally love myself. Being told for years that I was "sinful and unclean" every Sunday led to self-hate. As I embrace the true meaning of Love, I am free to enjoy and suffer life. Thank you for your writing.