The topic of tradwives might be an odd topic for a man to be writing about. Interestingly enough, I have recently run into this subject several times. An ex-Mormon influencer and personal friend, Jennie Gage, is an ex-tradwife who told her story to Business Insider. She also appeared on the Tamron Hall Show, which investigated the growing tradwife trend.
In case you are totally clueless about the tradwife movement, what follows are a few essentials.
What is a tradwife?
The term “tradwife” refers to a traditional wife or traditional housewife. As a reminder, the “traditional housewife” is typically described as a woman whose role is running or managing her family’s home, including: housekeeping and other domestic duties; caring for children; buying, cooking, and storing food; buying goods for everyday life; managing the family budget, and is not employed outside the home.
The general rules of a tradwife seem to be:
Married in a straight relationship
The man works, the wife does not
The man is the head of the household and the final word on all things financial, lifestyle, and professional for the family
Kids are a part of the plan if not already in the family
You might be thinking, “Wait. What?! Women actually want this??? What about gender equality??? This sounds like a Leave it to Beaver thing.”
The growing “tradwife” subculture is said to be based on advocating for traditional values, specifically a “traditional” view of wives as mothers and homemakers. The movement has found traction on social media, particularly TikTok and Instagram. In short, tradwives is trending. At the forefront of recent tradwife popularity are social media influencers such as Estee Williams, Nara Smith, Emily Mariko, Ballerina Farm, Victoria Yost, and Hannah Neeleman, who have amassed substantial followings.
FOX 11 Los Angeles did an extensive interview with Estee Williams (pictured above), which perhaps only serves to create even more angst and controversy.
What is fueling the tradwife movement?
Tradwife is short for “traditional wife”. It’s not for me to decide or judge gender roles or lifestyle choices for any woman. Some women may prefer a more traditional role and lifestyle for several reasons, including parenting preferences and religious beliefs. It may be unfair to assume all traditional wives are connected to or look like the tradwife influencers on TikTok and Instagram.
The movement emerged on social media platforms around six years ago, gaining popularity on Reddit, namely through an anti-feminist thread called “Red Pill”. Tradwives then surfaced on other mainstream social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram. Tradwives tend to be conservative and anti-feminist.
Surprisingly, studies show that Gen Z women are particularly drawn to the tradwife lifestyle. It is often pointed out that there is hypocrisy to the tradwives movement because many tradwives are generating significant income as social media influencers and aren’t as “domestic” and “traditional” as they portray.
Though many say that tradwives are essentially wealthy white women, there is significant interest in traditional marriage lifestyles among Black women. There is a “Black Tradwife” category on TikTok.
The current tradwife movement seems to be growing for several reasons:
A backlash against the perceived disintegration of traditional/conservative values as a whole
A burnout factor, resulting from the daily demands and complexities of American life and toxic work culture
Reflects an anxiety around societal shifts
The appeal of how social media tradwife influencers depict this lifestyle as idyllic and desirable
An outright rejection against feminism
Resignation, based upon the continuing up-hill economic battle for women
Isn’t the tradwives trend a personal choice and basically harmless?
Not necessarily.
A recent article in The New Yorker is titled, “The Rise and Fall of the Trad Wife”. The article discusses how Alena Kate Pettitt helped lead an online movement promoting domesticity, which she now says, “It’s become its own monster.” There are others who say that despite social media appearances, the tradwife reality isn’t quite that dazzling.
Some people have pointed out the overlap between tradwives and far right movements, including some who say that the tradwifery is an “entry point for white nationalist and supremacist ideology” and a “right-wing fantasy”. Tradwives call for “submissiveness” to their husbands, which has raised a concern of “the danger of normalizing abusive relationships”.
Tradwives versus feminism
Typically and rightfully so, the tradwives movement is often seen as a rejection of feminism. This might be slightly unfair because it assumes every feminist rejects virtually every aspect of gender roles or lifestyle that could possibly be identified as something even remotely identified as “traditional”. For example, a woman might have a career and enjoy cooking, but the “enjoy cooking” part doesn’t make her a tradwife who rejects feminism. Likewise, a woman may for a season transition from full-time to part-time employment for parenting reasons, but this doesn’t make her a white supremacist.
Toxic Religious Patriarchy
The topic of tradwives comes up often for me in my religious deconstruction and trauma counseling. Women are particularly wounded by the authoritarian patriarchal structure of traditional religion. Though there are exceptions, religion as a whole has not been kind to women.
I am not against religion categorically. Religion means something different for each person and each person's experience of religion, good or bad, is unique to them. However, regardless of what religion it is, I am against any religion that demeans human beings. It has often been the case that fundamentalist Christian religion is demeaning to women.
I have received many messages and emails over the years from women who were victimized through their association with toxic religion. One woman wrote, “At church, I learned that God loves me less because I’m female.”
I am not saying all religion is characterized by patriarchal toxicity. For example, I know of many progressive Christian denominations and churches with women pastors. Likewise, feminist theology has been a substantial component of theological scholarship.
Perhaps a connection between the tradwife phenomenon and conservative Christianity is the notion of the “Proverbs 31 Woman”, which is a often used to describe a “godly woman”. The Book of Proverbs is a book in the third section (called Ketuvim) of the Hebrew Bible traditionally ascribed to King Solomon. Proverbs 31 is said to describe the ideal woman of God as one with impeccable character, devoted as a homemaker, manager of the household, and dedicated to the stature, success and happiness of her husband. These ideas are the basis of what is often referred to as “Biblical womanhood”, a movement within evangelical Christianity, particularly in the United States. It adopts a complementarian or patriarchal view of gender roles, which emphasizes that a good Christian woman is a submissive wife, diligent homemaker, and loving mother.
In my professional work with those who have been damaged through their involvement in toxic religion, it was the high-control patriarchal culture that was particularly detrimental.
Misogyny is the hatred of, contempt for, diminishment, or prejudice against women or girls. In a toxic religious environment it sounds like this:
“Women should be silent in the church.”
“You are an amazing leader! You'd make an excellent pastor's wife someday!”
“You're equal to men in value; you just have a different role. God made you to submit to man's final authority.”
“Dress in a way that doesn't cause your brothers in Christ to sin.”
“We are starting a new Bible Study. We are learning how to be godly and submissive women.”
“Men are visual and struggle with lust. Women are emotional and we need to protect them.”
“Always be prepared to have sex with your husband even if you don't want it.”
“The head of the woman is the man.”
“For man did not come from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for women, but women for man.”
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”
American writer and activist, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who was a leader of the women’s rights movement in the U.S. during the mid- to late-19th century, wrote:
“The Bible teaches that woman brought sin and death into the world, that she precipitated the fall of the race, that she was arraigned before the judgment seat of Heaven, tried, condemned, and sentenced. Marriage for her was to be a condition of bondage, maternity a period of suffering and anguish, and in silence and subjection, she was to play the role of a dependent on man’s bounty for all her material wants, and for all the information she might desire. Here is the Bible position of woman briefly summed up. The Bible and the Church have been the greatest stumbling blocks in the way of women’s emancipation. The whole tone of church teaching in regard to women is, to the last degree, contemptuous and degrading.”
Tertullian, one of the early church fathers, said of women,
“You are the devil’s gateway. . . . How easily you destroyed man, the image of God. Because of the death which you brought upon us, even the Son of God had to die.”
Differences in tradition and interpretations of scripture have caused sects of Christianity to differ in their beliefs with regard to their treatment of women. In The Troublesome Helpmate, Katharine M. Rogers argues that Christianity is misogynistic, and she lists what she says are specific examples of misogyny in the Pauline epistles. She states: “The foundations of early Christian misogyny — its guilt about sex, its insistence on female subjection, its dread of female seduction — are all in St. Paul's epistles.”
Perhaps one of the most well-known toxic religious patriarchal structures is Bill Gothard and the “Umbrella of Protection”.
Bill Gothard is an American Christian minister, speaker, and writer, and the founder of the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP), an independent fundamentalist Christian organization. His conservative teachings encourage the submission of wives to husbands.
Being under authority is one of Gothard’s most central teachings. His idea is that God has ordained authorities and that believers must submit to those authorities in order to live a proper Christian life. If they do not submit to God-ordained authorities, then they will not be blessed by God and invite God’s discipline or punishment. Gothard writes, “Through disobedience you remove yourself from God’s full protection and are therefore far more susceptible to the attacks of Satan.”
Per the above diagram, Gothard’s “umbrella of protection” is essentially a chain of command in family relationships, which puts the husband in charge under Christ and the wife totally subservient to the husband. Her access to God is through her husband. The husband is responsible for making the decisions for the family, and it is her job to properly instruct and manage the children.
Here is Gothard’s explanation:
Many husbands have acknowledged that their motivation for spiritual pursuits can be quickly destroyed by negative attitudes or lack of enthusiasm from their wives. When a husband gives a command to his family and the wife fails to work out the proper procedures to carry it out, many consequences may occur.
First, the father may attempt to give the laws himself. Very often, however, he is not sensitive to the needs and responses of the children; thus, he may be too harsh or demanding. The wife will then try to compensate by being more lenient than she should be, and the children will sense a divided authority.
Meanwhile, when the wife does not fulfill her function in the family, she will feel inadequate and inferior. She may try to compensate for these destructive feelings by withdrawing, reacting, or looking outside the family for her approval and fulfillment.
A further diagram of Gothard’s chain of command involves a hammer.
This image depicts the chain of command in the family with the husband as the hammer, the wife as the chisel and the children as the diamonds in the rough. You see the problem here with the picture, right? The husband/father beats on his wife/mother, and she chips away on the children.
Focus on the Family is another Christian organization that advocates for strict traditional family roles, including corporal punishment. American Baptist pastor, John Piper, advocates for corporal punishment and writes:
“God does not stick us in the corner facing the wall! He spanks us and He does it often with great pain. Another way to say it is, I doubt it's easy for a child to come to terms with the Biblical God of wrath if he has never tasted severe wrath from his father or mother in growing up.”
What follows are 11 things about this Piper quote that in my view are are toxic, harmful and possibly psychotic:
God is conceived as a male supreme being, separate and estranged from human beings.
God actively inflicts pain upon people as a method of punishment, discipline and control.
God is characterized as a God of wrath to be feared.
Parental corporal punishment is necessary to teach children the true nature of God.
Justifying acts of violence in the name of God and the Bible.
Fostering a fear-based trauma bond with God.
Condoning hitting children as a good, necessary and godly thing to do.
Rationalizing physical punishment from Proverbs 13:24 is bad exegesis.
Corporal punishment jeopardizes a sense of security in the parent/child relationship that is essential for healthy development.
Children learn that the people who love them also will hurt them.
According to the World Health Organization, each year thousands of children die as the result of corporal punishment, and many more are seriously injured.
In my own study of toxic religious patriarchal sub-culture, I have uncovered at least these ten religious falsehoods about women:
Women brought sin and death into the world
Women are to blame for the fall of the human race
Women are inferior to men
Women were intended to be subservient to men
Women are incapable of exercising spiritual authority and leadership
A godly woman is a silent, submissive, and domestic woman
Women are responsible for the sexual temptations and transgressions of men
Women are weak, emotional, and irrational
Women are expected by God to stay in demeaning, damaging, destructive, or abusive relationships
Women should deny and repress themselves in order to serve and satisfy others
One of the ways toxic religion is a disservice to people is how it rationalizes toxic relationships.
“Honor your father and mother doesn't mean dismissing or accepting their maltreatment, manipulation and abuse.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands” doesn't mean tolerating or staying with an emotionally or physically abusive person.
“Be subject to rulers and authorities” doesn't mean acquiescence or compliance to institutions of power that harm people.
“Turning the other cheek” doesn't mean that you allow someone to violate your boundaries.
“Obey your leaders and submit to them” doesn't mean blindly following a narcissistic megalomaniac pastor.
“If you love me, you will obey” doesn't mean you are obligated to deny yourself or enable others as a pact of “love”.
Sometimes the “godly” thing to do includes standing up for yourself, saying “no”, terminating toxic relationships, and refusing to enable the dysfunctional behavior of others... no matter how they might try to justify it with God.
I want to personally apologize to women everywhere for how toxic patriarchal religion has been harmful. I am grateful for those Christians and Christian churches that have an affirming, honoring and empowering view of women. But for all the ways religion has been oppressive to women, I am deeply saddened, firmly indignant and profoundly regretful. I celebrate all those who have empowered the equality of women within religious environments. There are many who have pioneered feminism within religious circles.
If you are interested in exploring the topic of patriarchy and gender equality, a few good resources are:
The Patriarchs: The Origins of Inequality by Angela Saini
The Creation of Patriarchy (Women and History; V. 1) by Gerda Lerner
When God Was a Woman by Merlin Stone
The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir
Progressive Christianity and Women
It’s a hard hill to climb to argue that the Bible promotes the equality of women, but there are many progressive Christians that push back on the narrative that biblical Christianity is anti-women. Often at the crosshairs of this debate is the New Testament writings of the Apostle Paul. Of the 27 books in the New Testament, 13 or 14 are traditionally attributed to Paul. There are many who believe that Paul’s influence on what Christianity became exceeds the impact of Jesus himself.
Within Christianity there is disagreement about the views and teachings of Paul about women.
In Christianity, an apostle is a messenger or ambassador who is sent out to spread the teachings of Jesus Christ. The word “apostle” comes from the Greek word “apostolos,” meaning “one who is sent out.” In the New Testament, the apostles were the twelve disciples chosen by Jesus to be his closest followers and to spread his message after his death and resurrection. However, the term “apostle” can also refer to other early Christian leaders who were not part of the original twelve, such as Paul and Barnabas.
There are indications that women held this status of “apostle” in early Christianity, and that Paul supported this.
In the New Testament Book of Romans 16:1-4, the Apostle Paul greets several women as church leaders, and sends a woman, Phoebe, to be his representative at Christian communities he was not able to visit himself:
“I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church at Cenchreae, so that you may welcome her in the Lord as is fitting for the saints, and help her in whatever she may require from you, for she has been a benefactor of many and of myself as well. Greet Prisca and Aquila, who work with me in Christ Jesus, and who risked their necks for my life, to whom not only I give thanks, but also all the churches of the Gentiles.”
Later in that same chapter, verse 7, Paul acknowledges the female Apostle, Junia:
“Greet Andronicus and Junia, my fellow Jews who have been in prison with me. They are outstanding among the apostles, and they were in Christ before I was.”
It is widely accepted that Andronicus (male) and Junia (female) were husband and wife, but both equally considered apostles. The point here is that it appears the Apostle Paul worked collaboratively with women in leadership roles.
On the other hand, there are others who claim that a couple vague references of token women leaders, doesn’t outweigh Paul’s oft-quoted words about women being silent and subservient to men. There are some who say that Paul’s views of women were cultural and not divinely-inspired. In this case, Paul’s instructions about the behavior of women should not be treated any differently than other passages that obviously were meant for specific times and cultures. Five times the New Testament says, “Greet one another with a holy kiss.” Do we follow that? Paul tells Timothy to “drink a little wine for the sake of your stomach.” Does that mean wine is the “biblical cure” for all stomach ailments?
A lot of theological scholarship refutes the common narrative that the Bible, Apostle Paul, and the core of Christianity is misogynistic. If you have an interest in exploring this perspective, you may find the following resources to be useful:
A Year of Biblical Womanhood by by Rachel Held Evans
I Suffer Not a Woman: Rethinking I Timothy 2:11-15 in Light of Ancient Evidence by Richard and Catherine Kroeger
Beyond the Curse: Women Called to Ministry by Aida Besancon Spencer
The Goddess Revival by Spencer, Kroeger and Hailson
Jesus Feminist: An Invitation to Revisit the Bible's View of Women by Sarah Bessey
What Paul Really Said About Women: The Apostle's Liberating Views on Equality in Marriage, Leadership, and Love by John T. Bristow
The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth by Beth Allison Barr
Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible Says about a Woman's Place in Church and Family by Gilbert Bilezikian
What’s Right with Feminism by Elaine Storkey
Blaming Eve
It seems women get scapegoated form the get-go in one of the very first scenes in the Bible, often referred to as the “fall of man”. Eve’s so-called disobedience and rebellion for eating the forbidden fruit, condemns all humankind before God, necessitates the creation of eternal conscious torment (Hell) as punishment, and forces God’s hand to brutally kill his only son as the remedy. That’s a lot to put on someone, right?
But what if this interpretation of the Eve story is wrong? I’d like to offer an alternative understanding.
Eve was the hero. Never forget that.
I think we got the whole Eve and fall-of-humankind story all wrong. In the Genesis story, commonly referred to as “the Fall,” I see it much differently from the traditional Christian interpretation. Firstly, I believe the story was meant to be taken figuratively or allegorically, not literally.
The story contains several themes worth considering.
In my view, Eve is the daring and courageous one. God said don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. She did it anyway. Why?
Let's digress momentarily to consider the context here. If the Bible was a carefully crafted and plotted propagandist document to perpetuate a positive theism, it failed miserably. The picture it presents of God is one who is complicated, contradictory, capricious, and at times, evil.
Why would God put the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden, knowing full well that Adam and Eve would do the very thing he told them not to? Put a bunch of people in a room with two windows and say to them, whatever you do just don't look through the window on the right. What do you think they will all do? They will do exactly that.
Why would God risk the well-being of his entire created order by telling Adam and Eve not to do something he knew they would? The way the story is framed, regardless of the role of the serpent, God is ultimately responsible and the one to blame for "the Fall." You can't set a building on fire and deny culpability when it burns to the ground.
In my mind, Eve is the hero in the story. God said don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. She did. The world often makes its greatest advances by disobedient people who break the rules. Oscar Wilde wrote, "Disobedience is man's original virtue." Except it was a woman and it was Eve. She was the was first rule-breaker, and we should honor her for this.
In the story, God tells Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit. However, they never promise they won't. Should they have been obedient? How obedient do you want your children to be? Or course you want them to operate with prudence and integrity. However, you also want them to be disobedient enough to go into the world and act with conviction and even defiance. Some rules are meant to be and should be broken.
Little girls are often told they should be proper, accommodating and nice. Historian, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich wrote, "Well-behaved women seldom make history." In Eve's case, she did humankind an epic favor by risking disobedience.
Eve's decision made complete sense. According to the text, Eve chose to eat the fruit from the forbidden tree because:
(1) It was necessary for sustenance - it was "good for food"
(2) It resonated with her aesthetic sensibilities - it was "pleasing to the eye"
(3) It would contribute to her growth and maturity - "desirable for gaining wisdom."
If I came to you and said, "I want to offer you something - it's necessary to live, pleasing and satisfying, and will transform your entire way of being in the world. Are you interested?" My guess is that you would say, "Yes!" In addition to all that, Eve didn't selfishlessly claim it all for herself. She shared the fruit with her sidekick, Adam.
Meanwhile, notice that even though Adam didn't have the moxie to break the rules and risk taking the fruit himself, he had no problem gladly accepting it from Eve. And yet, Adam blames both God and Eve for the whole ordeal. Adam says, “The woman YOU PUT HERE with me—SHE gave me some fruit from the tree..." Adam plays the victim card and throws his partner under the bus to save his ass, which is quite unbecoming and disgracing.
Eve also played the blame-game by telling God, "The devil (serpent) made me do it." She has a point though; that serpent was quite crafty.
This is the only thing I wish Eve had done differently. I would have much preferred she have said to God:
“Okay, God. Here's the deal. Yes, I did it. I know you said not to eat from that tree. You also gave me a brain to use and I used it. I never promised I wouldn't. I was feeling it. So, I went for it. I put on my big-girl panties and ate the fruit. I didn't mean any disrespect to you. I was doing me. Actions have consequences. I get that now. Lesson learned.”
Taking this account metaphorically, I think the idea was to construct a story that sets up the complexities of properly executing our freedom and agency in the world. God's command not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil is depicted as a safeguard to protect Adam and Eve from shouldering too heavy a burden of understanding the world and life in its most transparent terms. In other words, to know the world, particularly in its most frightening potentialities and possibilities, in which only God was capable of seeing. After eating the fruit we are told their eyes were opened, which means God initially had blinders on them so they were not capable of seeing the whole deal.
The knowledge of good and evil can be seen in the story in two ways. On the one hand, you might say that ignorance is bliss. Not having this knowledge was a feature of the paradise and harmony that was depicted prior to eating the forbidden fruit/knowledge. On the other hand, Eve saw that eating the fruit would be "gaining wisdom." In other words, it's best to know what the reality truly is so you know how to respond accordingly. In this sense, it should be noted that Eve was the one who chose to gain the knowledge of what the deal of existence actually was, through and through.
The story of Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit is not about the coming of sin into the world, but the emergence of self-consciousness, and confronting the realities of the human situation. With knowledge comes responsibility.
Eve took all the risks in this story. It cost her - she lost something, she gained something. It's not easy living responsibly with the things we know. What we learn from Eve is that any paradise based upon ignorance or half the truth, is fool's gold.
Eve's disobedience is not what corrupted the human species, but is an invitation and challenge to lean into the totality of the lived human experience... even if it requires defiance against the voices that tell us what we can or cannot do. Speaking of defiant and heroic women, it was Simone de Beauvoir wrote, “It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living.”
What to make of the tradwife movement?
There are so many divergent and conflicting angles on the trending tradwife phenomenon, including:
Tradwives is a hypocritical social media trend, driven by wealthy white female influencers who are making bank.
Tradwives are religious people who genuinely believe that traditional gender and family roles and values are the best and right way to live their lives.
Tradwives is a generational trend among women who are burned out on the demands and complexities of American life, toxic work culture and economic stress, and believe that a simpler and more traditional lifestyle provides relief.
Perhaps a final word is being mindful of the danger of creating a false choice, which would be:
Option A: Tradwife
Option B: Militant Feminist
This false choice doesn’t acknowledge countless nuances, such as:
Women who embrace traditional values are not necessarily anti-feminism.
Women who identify as “feminist” are also interested in a low-stress lifestyle that promotes health, harmony, and healthy relationships.
Women with traditional religious values are not necessarily against the equality of women.
Women who identify as “feminist” can be devoted parents, love their spouse or partner, and might enjoy baking bread and gardening.
In Summary
Tradwives is trending, but it’s complicated, diverse and nuanced, and for better or for worse, TikTok influencers are dominating tradwife headlines.
Pitting women of “traditional values” against “feminists” may be creating unnecessary division.
Religion has had a bad track record with it’s views on women, including toxic, oppressive, misogynistic, and abusive beliefs and practices, but there are also people of faith who view the equality and dignity of women as a sacred and non-negotiable virtue.
Not everyone agrees that Christianity is inherently anti-women, but rather it was misinterpreted later by men to control women.
Years ago I had one of those bread makers that I used routinely, but it’s in a box somewhere from a few moves.
Amy and I have our own way of doing life, which includes me making morning coffee and lunch for us each day, and her with a screwdriver or wrench in her hand, fixing stuff in our home.
Maybe Eve was a hero.
“I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.”
- Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own
Jim, this was such a thoughtful and nuanced article! I appreciate that you didn't boil this complexity down to simplistic solutions, but instead wrote in a way that inspires curiosity and openness.
I love your sentence: "Eve was the hero." Now I want a T-shirt with that slogan, hah!
Regarding the generational component: a while ago, I witnessed a pretty amusing conversation between a Boomer and a Millennial heterosexual couple who talked about parenthood and division of labor. The Millennial couple was like: "We argued which one of us would get to stay home if we have a child, and which one of us would have to keep working." In contrast, the older couple had fought about who would get to prioritize their careers. Obviously just an anecdote, but it is in alignment with some of these trends you were mentioning.
I would also recommend reading about Mary the Tower. She was an early leader in Jesus's ministry who was basically stripped of her influence and reduced to the role of a whore by the patriarchy.
https://dianabutlerbass.substack.com/p/mary-the-tower
As a stay at home mother myself years ago while raising young children, I certainly never identified as a Tradwife. I'm certainly my spouse's equal and possess strengths and gifts he does not. Thankfully we attend a church that celebrates and elevates women in leadership even if every person in the pew doesn't agree.
And I encourage my own daughter to forge her path in life. Whethr or not she chooses a mate is entirely up to her but certainly is not essential to her fulfullment as a person.